My current state of mind is all over the fucking place. I’m stressed, anxious, sad, happy, scared, excited, pissed, etc. I don’t love feeling these things. I watched a TV show. “Tales of the City”. The newer one. And….. watching it….. watching gay people on TV just reminds me how much I don’t like being gay. It’s like being gay is this process and requires you to be x, y, and z in life. I’ve always been more ‘masculine’ and not so ‘gay’. And if you don’t know what i mean when I say that, go check out Pride or that TV show I mentioned. There is a scene where there are a bunch of older men talking (it’s where they make fun of transgenders). The thing that bothered me is these butch looking men are all talking “gay” and being “gay”. Until they get serious, then they turn back into “men” again. I don’t like that. I feel like I don’t fit in. I didn’t want to change myself in that way to be “gay”. I’ve always felt like I’m fine as is and I offer some pretty great qualities. Many things I, of course, need to learn from and work on and work towards, but great things no less.
I’ve been working to be more “gay” and study what it is to be “gay”. Any gay will tell you “just be yourself”. And yet…. I live a life alone and single. I’m not good enough for a whole host of reasons. Do you know how many men message me out of the blue to see me again? Because they like me? It’s rare. And if they do, it’s usually to fuck and they disappear. I used to think I would find someone and be happy with just them. I used to believe in Monogamy. But I’m finally here to bid farewell to the old me and the old desires I had. I used to imagine a man holding me in bed and telling me sweet things. I used to imagine a man who would walk up to me when I was on a bridge looking over at water and he would come up to me and hold me. I had a ton of dreams. Now I feel scatterbrained and lost. Drowning in my life and trying to get myself back. I’m not sure if I’m too far gone yet.
Even when I get out of this and, even in the off chance that I lose weight, I’m not sure that I will be able to trust anyone to love me. My ex told me something when we dated. I commented on my weight which at the time was like 150lbs. Maybe 160. Saying I wanted to lose more. He said I was fine as is. I asked him if he’d date me if I got fat. He said yes. Then I said “200?”. He said “well maybe not that high, but you won’t get there”. Not to say other people wouldn’t, but so far I haven’t had luck. And I’m afraid that when/ if I lose the weight again and date someone that I won’t trust him to love me in case I were to get fat again. I know I’ve bounced back and forth.
Deep down, I wish I would have found someone to love me as is and for all of my qualities. I wish I would have been good enough. I wish I would have found that guy that would have said “babe, I’ll date you no matter what, you are beautiful…. perfect”. And I wish I could have found someone that would have stayed with me and built a life with me on their own accord knowing more about me than I knew of myself. But here I am doing all of this alone trying to become more “gay” just so I can find someone. And even if I do find them, I don’t think I’ll be able to open up to them.
I find myself depressed in a way….. depressed that for some fucked up reason I want love. I want someone. I don’t want to be alone in this life. Everyone likes to say “you don’t need love, you need to love yourself, you will find someone”. I’m personally waiting for the day when I decide to leave this world where some of my final thoughts include “I told you I wouldn’t find it”. And that’s not to be a negative person…. I just honestly believe that:
- love does exist
- many people will experience love in some way shape or form at least a few times in their life (I have)
- not everyone will be entitled to a happy story with love
But honestly, even if I get through life doing what I want to do, at what point does money, sex, and career growth come to a halt? When do I think “this is enough, I can’t keep doing this without having someone”. Now, why do I need someone? I don’t. I want someone. I want a family. Something I haven’t been very fortunate to have much of. I’d like to know what it’s like to have someone that wants me every day. And is maybe even okay with my insecurities that I’m sick of hiding. I want someone that won’t get pissed at me for asking if he loves/ wants me every now and then because I just don’t feel like I’m good enough. Not to say I think anyone should have to go through that. I wouldn’t try to force myself upon anyone. If someone wanted me, its for all of me as is.
I haven’t yet decided when I’m going to say “enough is enough”. I have 4 years left till 30 and from there, about 6 before I feel like I’m hitting no man’s land. Aaaaaand….. I just can’t/ won’t go through this again. I remember telling myself something like this when I was 16:
When you are 18, hopefully you will have someone. Hopefully you’ll be happy but if not, then maybe 21. Someone out there should want you. And if that doesn’t happen, live your life and by 25 something has to come up. And beyond that, I hope you’ve found something because I don’t know what else to say.
And here I am today. Making my next list of ages hoping and praying that I will have someone in my life. Most of the time it isn’t super important. Much of the time, I am ok. I’m not upset and hurt. But when I reflect on where I’m going and what I’ve done and I think even further ahead about what benefit there is to any financial success I may have, I really struggle. I want him. I want a life together. I want wholeness and comfort of knowing that I’m building a future, not just for myself, but for someone else. Do you honestly think I invest in properties for my own good? To some degree, yes. It’s not for the boyfriend I don’t have…. that’s for damn sure. It’s for the kids I hope to one day have. But I’m not sure if I’m going to have it in me to raise kids alone. I could. I’m not afraid of it, I’m just not sure that’s what I want.
Maybe by some crazy chance, this move to a bigger city will yield positive results and I will find an amazing man that is real. Maybe I’ll just find more people like the ones here in this city. Maybe it will be worse. But I am trying. I’m hoping. I’m doing what I think I need to do for the next step in my life. What I need to do to have a chance at finding that happiness that has plagued me since I was sooo freaking young.
And then I watch TV, listen to real stories, and watch them unfold in my life in front of me at work. When shit gets tough, lovers go sleep with other people. Then they get back together and its all supposed to be okay again. That or they are so hard walled for whatever happened that the person is viewed as tainted and not worthy. This is what I see and know.
But deep down, I know that out there in this world, there are people who truly truly love one another. Who are both monogamous and in open relationships. People who couldn’t see the world without each other. I know love does exist and I know people everywhere experience it. But I also know that people are people. I know they lie, steal and cheat. I know people don’t care about each other.
As I said, I just hope that someone one day will see something in me that maybe I don’t even see. I hope that it is long lasting…. maybe even till death. I do think I’ll die alone. That’s the strong independent woman coming out of me. I don’t need a man. I love myself. I expect a solo death. But I WANT togetherness, love, and passion. I want him to love whatever weird ass stupid ass things I do that no one else likes. But only if I’m the one that is supposed to be with him. I don’t want to interject on someone elses’ special someone leaving them single. I don’t mean that as in I’m not worthy but other people are…. I mean that as I believe there are people out there that are for each other. Their long term future partners. And just in case I don’t get the opportunity to meet mine, I really really hope I don’t take someone else’s.
Deep down, I want to give more than I take in this world. I want to build myself up, yes. But I also want to leave positivity and of course give what I have to my family even if I chose not to stick around. I would rather be single than to steal someone’s life love. Be it on purpose or accident.
There’s some “weird” things coming out in this post, I know. I don’t completely understand why I’m not just okay with fucking around and never being WITH someone, but it’s just not what I want personally. It just isn’t. I want long term. I want love. I want passion. I might be a millennial but not inside. Inside I’m something else for some reason. I seldom fit in.
I hope that no matter what nutty shit happens in my life that I get a good taste of something for a while at the very least. Ah last story.
I remember I was waiting for the FrontRunner once about 2-5 years ago. I may have written about this once a long time ago….. but I had just gotten off school and I was waiting for the train at the station. It was dark outside. I was chatting with a Russian guy who I liked but didn’t quite feel that same feeling back from him. We messaged on the train and somewhere between waiting on the platform and me saying the words that ended that relationship without realizing I had, I had this deep feeling in the pit of my stomach. I’m not usually one to believe in god, but this particular evening I did. I prayed to him and asked him that, even if only one more time in my life, could you please let me feel love again. I told him I didn’t care if it was for a week, a month, or the rest of my life, I asked Him for one more experience of love. And…. whether it was me being ultra open to the world or what, I met Jesse. In all of like a weeks worth of knowing the guy, I felt like this could be it. He treated me so nice, he was so handsome. Then about 1-2 weeks later I went through the heartbreak. I remember the final day of it… I drew a train on tracks. Hearts around it. Call it the “love train”. And it hit me on the tracks hard and flew past me. And just as quick as it came, it went and there was a net on the back of the train that caught all of the hearts and love that were coming off the train. I toppled across the roof and laid on the tracks in a deep pain of love that wasn’t meant to be. I cried at school on the bench under the bridge between buildings before the start of my next class. That was the day he didn’t respond. He had said he was going to pick me up from school which I thought was super cute and romantic. But of course the time neared and he never replied. Finally about the time I had to leave to catch my bus he did message and said he was sorry that he had fallen asleep. From that point on, he disappeared and came back and disappeared. And each time he came back he got worse and worse. He got nasty and mean with me. Aggressive mentally, not physically. The last time I went to see him was one of the most awful visits I had ever had. He slammed my car door… and for some reason was totally rude. I don’t know what it was or why it was. It didn’t dawn on me till tonight that maybe God did indeed put that man in my life to give me the last feeling of love I would feel….. then turned it into an evil curse or someothing. Haha. Religious nutcase… I don’t think so. Just looking for explanations to the unexplainable.
Anyhow, I have to go to bed. I do hope I haven’t spent my last chance at finding love but at the same time…. if that was honestly the last I’m allowed to have in this life….. it did feel good when it was happening.
Oh haha. I guess I have one more thing since i’m spilling the beans of my life. When I was young… I’d say between 10-14 somewhere, I found out my mom had rheumatoid arthritis. This was added on to her diabetes and asthma. She wasn’t obese, but she did fluctuate in weight. Well. One day, I felt so bad my mom was going through things that I prayed to god that she wouldn’t have to go through anything else and that he could put all of those awful things on me. I hated seeing my mom go through that. I wanted her to be happy and live a fulfilled life. I think I may have also told God to give me the pains and problems of all other people too, but I can’t recall if I went that far. Well point being that when I care about someone, I care. I still love her to this day, but I’m not sure we will ever have any type of relationship again. It’s fine. And yes, my prayer was odd… but I guess it shows who I am as a person… From my experience thus far, that prayer wasn’t made to be true and I don’t think I’d want it to be at this point, but where I did ask, I won’t take it back if I had to go through it for some reason. When I believe in God, I believe he will do what he sees is right.It’s not necessarily that I don’t, I just believe in science a bit more. And sometimes I ask for help when I struggle. God in my life comes from my grandmother. She’s fairly religious and believes god will do what is right. Unfortunately, my grandmother has a lot of power over me being the one I looked up to when growing up. I suppose that isn’t unfortunate. But now that I talk to her daily, she doesn’t seem to be the same lady I once knew.
Damn. Life is interesting and fairly fast paced isn’t it?