Word vomit, but probably the most intimate

My current state of mind is all over the fucking place. I’m stressed, anxious, sad, happy, scared, excited, pissed, etc. I don’t love feeling these things. I watched a TV show. “Tales of the City”. The newer one. And….. watching it….. watching gay people on TV just reminds me how much I don’t like being gay. It’s like being gay is this process and requires you to be x, y, and z in life. I’ve always been more ‘masculine’ and not so ‘gay’. And if you don’t know what i mean when I say that, go check out Pride or that TV show I mentioned. There is a scene where there are a bunch of older men talking (it’s where they make fun of transgenders). The thing that bothered me is these butch looking men are all talking “gay” and being “gay”. Until they get serious, then they turn back into “men” again. I don’t like that. I feel like I don’t fit in. I didn’t want to change myself in that way to be “gay”. I’ve always felt like I’m fine as is and I offer some pretty great qualities. Many things I, of course, need to learn from and work on and work towards, but great things no less.

I’ve been working to be more “gay” and study what it is to be “gay”. Any gay will tell you “just be yourself”. And yet…. I live a life alone and single. I’m not good enough for a whole host of reasons. Do you know how many men message me out of the blue to see me again? Because they like me? It’s rare. And if they do, it’s usually to fuck and they disappear. I used to think I would find someone and be happy with just them. I used to believe in Monogamy. But I’m finally here to bid farewell to the old me and the old desires I had. I used to imagine a man holding me in bed and telling me sweet things. I used to imagine a man who would walk up to me when I was on a bridge looking over at water and he would come up to me and hold me. I had a ton of dreams. Now I feel scatterbrained and lost. Drowning in my life and trying to get myself back. I’m not sure if I’m too far gone yet.

Even when I get out of this and, even in the off chance that I lose weight, I’m not sure that I will be able to trust anyone to love me. My ex told me something when we dated. I commented on my weight which at the time was like 150lbs. Maybe 160. Saying I wanted to lose more. He said I was fine as is. I asked him if he’d date me if I got fat. He said yes. Then I said “200?”. He said “well maybe not that high, but you won’t get there”. Not to say other people wouldn’t, but so far I haven’t had luck. And I’m afraid that when/ if I lose the weight again and date someone that I won’t trust him to love me in case I were to get fat again. I know I’ve bounced back and forth.

Deep down, I wish I would have found someone to love me as is and for all of my qualities. I wish I would have been good enough. I wish I would have found that guy that would have said “babe, I’ll date you no matter what, you are beautiful…. perfect”. And I wish I could have found someone that would have stayed with me and built a life with me on their own accord knowing more about me than I knew of myself. But here I am doing all of this alone trying to become more “gay” just so I can find someone. And even if I do find them, I don’t think I’ll be able to open up to them.

I find myself depressed in a way….. depressed that for some fucked up reason I want love. I want someone. I don’t want to be alone in this life. Everyone likes to say “you don’t need love, you need to love yourself, you will find someone”. I’m personally waiting for the day when I decide to leave this world where some of my final thoughts include “I told you I wouldn’t find it”. And that’s not to be a negative person…. I just honestly believe that:

  1. love does exist
  2. many people will experience love in some way shape or form at least a few times in their life (I have)
  3. not everyone will be entitled to a happy story with love

But honestly, even if I get through life doing what I want to do, at what point does money, sex, and career growth come to a halt? When do I think “this is enough, I can’t keep doing this without having someone”. Now, why do I need someone? I don’t. I want someone. I want a family. Something I haven’t been very fortunate to have much of. I’d like to know what it’s like to have someone that wants me every day. And is maybe even okay with my insecurities that I’m sick of hiding. I want someone that won’t get pissed at me for asking if he loves/ wants me every now and then because I just don’t feel like I’m good enough. Not to say I think anyone should have to go through that. I wouldn’t try to force myself upon anyone. If someone wanted me, its for all of me as is.

I haven’t yet decided when I’m going to say “enough is enough”. I have 4 years left till 30 and from there, about 6 before I feel like I’m hitting no man’s land. Aaaaaand….. I just can’t/ won’t go through this again. I remember telling myself something like this when I was 16:

When you are 18, hopefully you will have someone. Hopefully you’ll be happy but if not, then maybe 21. Someone out there should want you. And if that doesn’t happen, live your life and by 25 something has to come up. And beyond that, I hope you’ve found something because I don’t know what else to say.

And here I am today. Making my next list of ages hoping and praying that I will have someone in my life. Most of the time it isn’t super important. Much of the time, I am ok. I’m not upset and hurt. But when I reflect on where I’m going and what I’ve done and I think even further ahead about what benefit there is to any financial success I may have, I really struggle. I want him. I want a life together. I want wholeness and comfort of knowing that I’m building a future, not just for myself, but for someone else. Do you honestly think I invest in properties for my own good? To some degree, yes. It’s not for the boyfriend I don’t have…. that’s for damn sure. It’s for the kids I hope to one day have. But I’m not sure if I’m going to have it in me to raise kids alone. I could. I’m not afraid of it, I’m just not sure that’s what I want.

Maybe by some crazy chance, this move to a bigger city will yield positive results and I will find an amazing man that is real. Maybe I’ll just find more people like the ones here in this city. Maybe it will be worse. But I am trying. I’m hoping. I’m doing what I think I need to do for the next step in my life. What I need to do to have a chance at finding that happiness that has plagued me since I was sooo freaking young.

And then I watch TV, listen to real stories, and watch them unfold in my life in front of me at work. When shit gets tough, lovers go sleep with other people. Then they get back together and its all supposed to be okay again. That or they are so hard walled for whatever happened that the person is viewed as tainted and not worthy. This is what I see and know.

But deep down, I know that out there in this world, there are people who truly truly love one another. Who are both monogamous and in open relationships. People who couldn’t see the world without each other. I know love does exist and I know people everywhere experience it. But I also know that people are people. I know they lie, steal and cheat. I know people don’t care about each other.

As I said, I just hope that someone one day will see something in me that maybe I don’t even see. I hope that it is long lasting…. maybe even till death. I do think I’ll die alone. That’s the strong independent woman coming out of me. I don’t need a man. I love myself. I expect a solo death. But I WANT togetherness, love, and passion. I want him to love whatever weird ass stupid ass things I do that no one else likes. But only if I’m the one that is supposed to be with him. I don’t want to interject on someone elses’ special someone leaving them single. I don’t mean that as in I’m not worthy but other people are…. I mean that as I believe there are people out there that are for each other. Their long term future partners. And just in case I don’t get the opportunity to meet mine, I really really hope I don’t take someone else’s.

Deep down, I want to give more than I take in this world. I want to build myself up, yes. But I also want to leave positivity and of course give what I have to my family even if I chose not to stick around. I would rather be single than to steal someone’s life love. Be it on purpose or accident.

There’s some “weird” things coming out in this post, I know. I don’t completely understand why I’m not just okay with fucking around and never being WITH someone, but it’s just not what I want personally. It just isn’t. I want long term. I want love. I want passion. I might be a millennial but not inside. Inside I’m something else for some reason. I seldom fit in.

I hope that no matter what nutty shit happens in my life that I get a good taste of something for a while at the very least. Ah last story.

I remember I was waiting for the FrontRunner once about 2-5 years ago. I may have written about this once a long time ago….. but I had just gotten off school and I was waiting for the train at the station. It was dark outside. I was chatting with a Russian guy who I liked but didn’t quite feel that same feeling back from him. We messaged on the train and somewhere between waiting on the platform and me saying the words that ended that relationship without realizing I had, I had this deep feeling in the pit of my stomach. I’m not usually one to believe in god, but this particular evening I did. I prayed to him and asked him that, even if only one more time in my life, could you please let me feel love again. I told him I didn’t care if it was for a week, a month, or the rest of my life, I asked Him for one more experience of love. And…. whether it was me being ultra open to the world or what, I met Jesse. In all of like a weeks worth of knowing the guy, I felt like this could be it. He treated me so nice, he was so handsome. Then about 1-2 weeks later I went through the heartbreak. I remember the final day of it… I drew a train on tracks. Hearts around it. Call it the “love train”. And it hit me on the tracks hard and flew past me. And just as quick as it came, it went and there was a net on the back of the train that caught all of the hearts and love that were coming off the train. I toppled across the roof and laid on the tracks in a deep pain of love that wasn’t meant to be. I cried at school on the bench under the bridge between buildings before the start of my next class. That was the day he didn’t respond. He had said he was going to pick me up from school which I thought was super cute and romantic. But of course the time neared and he never replied. Finally about the time I had to leave to catch my bus he did message and said he was sorry that he had fallen asleep. From that point on, he disappeared and came back and disappeared. And each time he came back he got worse and worse. He got nasty and mean with me. Aggressive mentally, not physically. The last time I went to see him was one of the most awful visits I had ever had. He slammed my car door… and for some reason was totally rude. I don’t know what it was or why it was. It didn’t dawn on me till tonight that maybe God did indeed put that man in my life to give me the last feeling of love I would feel….. then turned it into an evil curse or someothing. Haha. Religious nutcase… I don’t think so. Just looking for explanations to the unexplainable.

Anyhow, I have to go to bed. I do hope I haven’t spent my last chance at finding love but at the same time…. if that was honestly the last I’m allowed to have in this life….. it did feel good when it was happening.

Oh haha. I guess I have one more thing since i’m spilling the beans of my life. When I was young… I’d say between 10-14 somewhere, I found out my mom had rheumatoid arthritis. This was added on to her diabetes and asthma. She wasn’t obese, but she did fluctuate in weight. Well. One day, I felt so bad my mom was going through things that I prayed to god that she wouldn’t have to go through anything else and that he could put all of those awful things on me. I hated seeing my mom go through that. I wanted her to be happy and live a fulfilled life. I think I may have also told God to give me the pains and problems of all other people too, but I can’t recall if I went that far. Well point being that when I care about someone, I care. I still love her to this day, but I’m not sure we will ever have any type of relationship again. It’s fine. And yes, my prayer was odd… but I guess it shows who I am as a person… From my experience thus far, that prayer wasn’t made to be true and I don’t think I’d want it to be at this point, but where I did ask, I won’t take it back if I had to go through it for some reason. When I believe in God, I believe he will do what he sees is right.It’s not necessarily that I don’t, I just believe in science a bit more. And sometimes I ask for help when I struggle. God in my life comes from my grandmother. She’s fairly religious and believes god will do what is right. Unfortunately, my grandmother has a lot of power over me being the one I looked up to when growing up. I suppose that isn’t unfortunate. But now that I talk to her daily, she doesn’t seem to be the same lady I once knew.

Damn. Life is interesting and fairly fast paced isn’t it?

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Busy busy busy!

Wow, so things have been insanely busy lately. I’ve been working on my house trying to get it done before the September 1 deadline. I may actually be staying longer than September 1 I’ve discovered…. but only because I’ve decided to invest in Real Estate for my future instead of just going to find real estate and stress out over there.

My weight hasn’t really changed but I am more conscious of what I am eating now. I’m also very serious about cleaning up my life. As in I am getting rid of a ton of stuff, fixing up my house so I can get the eff out and packing only things that I feel make sense. I’m also getting a car that makes more sense for my future.

I’m kind of just hoping my boss doesn’t try to get rid of me until I’m actually ready to go even though I told him Sept. 1. I mean… I suspect I will be ready or really really really close to being ready to go by then but even still, I might try staying till the end of the year to reap some more of the benefits from this job.

And something else crazy is happening. I listened to this podcast today “Turnkey Tuesday” by Mercedes and she’s talking about how you shouldn’t buy a house for yourself because all you do is tie up your money in it and you don’t actually get anything out of it. I agree but at the same time I don’t. Like I think for most people that is true, but when you look at me living for FREE in my own home while being paid double my mortgage…. I mean…. can you see why I don’t agree? Hahahaha. But in all seriousness…. she makes very valid points. The fact I’m in the position I am in is right place right time type of thing. Cheap fixer upper house, roommates, bank owned. I mean…. I practically stole it. haha. I do have the money that I could pay it off. At 26, yes I could pay my house off. Crazy isn’t it? And I mean a house in Salt Lake no less. I think that’s awesome. It’s not San Francisco, but it’s not a tiny city in Tennessee either. Instead of paying it off though, I will be investing in more real estate….. And hopefully it goes well. 🙂 I’m scared but excited and I think I started young enough with all of this (22) that I’m going to come out pretty well unless I really fuck something up. Also very possible.

But yeah… no man in my life. Dated a guy but he decided he didn’t like me for unknown reasons. I get the feeling he didn’t like me from when we met. Yet he kept talking to me. Then another guy I had come over 3 times to fuck. (braulio). We fucked 5 years ago and went on a date but when I told him I didn’t like that he smoked weed and didn’t want to be around it myself (around it, not him), he decided i wasn’t worth dating. Fast forward today. We fuck…. and we fuck… and we fuck. Then the last time we met he tells me I’m too fat and that I’m lazy because I wore a hat and a similar black shirt so it looks like I never change outfits? Not clothes… outfits.

And all I can help think is how in the fuck is it possible that there are so many men in this world and it comes down to them not liking me because I don’t participate in something small or that my physical appearance is just a tad too “off” to them. I’m just kinda tired of trying to find someone.

A guy on Facebook wrote something… here, I’ll just post it:

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So….. with that said I’m going to call this a wrap. I will mention about work….. the lady I work with I used to like but she is SO two faced! Ugh. I hate that about Utah. I don’t know if it is more here than other places. I kind of assume it is worse due to the religion and paranoid bunches. (As in conspiracy theorists). She is a bit of one for sureee.

Anyhow. Call it a wrap now. Oh wait…. jk. Really. It’s a wrap.

 

Having a tough time

I’m having a bit of a tough time. So much stuff going on yet…. nothing is happening. I am at full capacity with the rooms and have been for a couple of months. The progress is being made. Not lightning fast but enough things at enough of a pace that it’s coming together. Sometimes I’m so much on autopilot I don’t know how anything is getting done but it is. This I would say is a good thing!

I think I’ve decided on buying another property in the state that I’m in while I have a job so I don’t run into any tough situations in a new place with a good credit score but no job history. Plus I think it will help out a bit to clean everything up and tie up everything while I’m here…. rent our all units and find a property manager then move. As long as I break even with the property managers I should be good to go. The goal is to have no official new debt in my life and as few issues as possible.

And lastly I’m going to be looking for a new car here pretty soon. 🙂 I’m kind of excited because I know what I want and I think I can get it. It’s a little more than what I sold my car for but I think that will be ok since I intend to get rid of my other car too.

I did have several encounters recently too. One was a hookup with someone I knew before. The second was a dude I went on a date with and the third was a mother ducking god. He had an amazing body but his personality blew him the fuck out of the water in my eyes. I wanted that crazy bad. And more importantly he treated me like I was someone he was interested in. And now he’s silent. I saw the old hookup again last night and the date is saying he always has stuff going on and he’s busy so I haven’t even tried to get him to come back. Funny enough….. I felt like I had to marry him to get him to have sex with me. Awful I. Know. And the last item on the docket. My real estate agent was a total tool and I wrote a bad review. He called me and asked me to remove it and would send me a gift card………… I wish people were more ethical. I wish I was making a difference in these guys’ lives tot he point they wanted me more than what little taste I always get. That’s all it ever is…. a taste. I guess if I want the real full size deal I have to buy it? 😭

And my car is sold in case I didn’t mention that. I’m a little sad.

Just one thing makes me forget….

Red red whine… stay close to me!!

So things are…… things. I got the toilet running in the basement today. My progress has overall been pretty phenomenal on getting the house done for the next chapter of my life. I have all rooms refilled and new roommates across the board. I’m pretty excited about it to be totally honest. I’ve also cleared out a TON of the shit i used to own. Made some cash off the things I’ve sold.

I’ve also managed to complete many of the projects and called people in to get things under way. I’m now kinda doing some cleanup and fixing of things that are needed around the house. Finally returning things to home depot and lowes that I’ve had forever! Using up my gift cards. It really is starting to feel a little better but I’m under a shit ton of stress. I’ll be showing the Subaru this weekend to get it sold. I have my fingers crossed it will be sold.

Lastly, i like the red headed chick at my work.. she kinda cool.

And also i’m tired of working on this damn house.

Finally, why am i so damn fat????

Notice i not talkin about boys? They don’t matter right now! Fuck em. I’m too fuckin busy.

Guys have taught me….

The post is a little different. This time I will write a list of guys first names and what I learned from them in 1-10 words.

Blake – accept people as they are

Mr. Boise – trust less

Linden – skip them when you feel bad for them

Jose – deceit is real

Markham – don’t trust

Keenan – its ok to say no more

Alex (Latino) – hidden agendas, forget latinos

Ty – STDs are real

Aaron – homos are like magicians

Pablo – hit it and quit it

Franck – Marijuana sucks

Matt – you’ll never be good enough

Luke – hit it and quit it

Jacob H – if it will hurt you, I will do it

Jesse – if it will hurt you, I will do it

Irvin – be nicer to people, make dreams reality

Nicholas – relationships are skin deep

Johannes – play play play

Garrett – religious persecution

Cline – crazies do exist

Jody – hold on to what you have. see what you have. love who you are.

Easton – play play play

JRamirez – crazies do exist

Dante – bourgeois is best

Brett – love is real even over many miles.

Jonathan S – sometime love lasts for a minute

Renzo – give people time of day

Alberto – people will use you

Liam – things are not always as you hope.

Travis – appreciate the small things. Love, push, learn, grow.

Alan – board games are not the only games

–this a non-all inclusive list of contacts in my phone of people that have stopped in my life for a brief or long period of time. Most were dates of some sort. Hookups usually didn’t make it to a contact. 🙂 Not all are negative, many seem that way though simply because I had to go through my “life lessons” to be where I am today.

Crazy Busy

I cannot believe how fast this year is going already. I’m working on SO many things to make SO many changes in my life, it is hard to believe. I’m simplifying and re-programming myself to say “you don’t need that” to go toward a simplistic lifestyle. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I actually take swagg from my work when given out to give to family……… I used to be excited to get something for free and now I don’t really care about it like I did. They are just objects.

I have a half of a garage full of things I’m getting rid of. Within the next week I’m hoping to get carpet install scheduled to finish flooring in the house. I recently just finished flooring in the main  part of the basement and it looks pretty decent. 🙂 I have to get this house done to move on to the next stage of my life. I’m scared out of my wits but excited.

Shortly after talking about carpet, I was able to schedule the carpet people. So moving along.

This evening I changed oil in my one car and discovered my other car was low on just about every fluid. And I mean well below the low mark. I am very disappointed as this is the first time I have EVER taken it into the dealership and relied completely on them and their abilities to take care of my car. Extremely disappointed.

This one hurts

I’m sitting in the tub with some makeshift bubbles (I used the suave softsoap for body wash that smells like an old lady. haha. I want to use up the soap somehow). And I decided that I wanted to type this while I soak.

I was talking to a guy with no arms in Portland. There was never anything at all special about things with him, it was just about the same as always. Typical day to day conversation with no substance. Then I said “you wouldn’t date me if you had arms”. And he said something to the effect of “yep”. Then I commented on me being a fat kid and how no one wants me blah blah and he said “your self esteem is worse than mine”. Completely disregarding every bit of what I was saying.

The point is is that I weighed 140lbs once. I’ve been small and I’ve had people tell me i look better bigger and I have people tell me I look better thinner. I’m just irritated. I mean for a goddamn change can’t someone just come out and see me one of these days? For what kind of guy i really am? See something more in me for a change?

Alright so a few hours has passed since the initial writing of this and a computer was built. Haha. Anyways, I’m definitely in and out of depression. I’m still plenty in depression, but at this very moment, I’m ok and back on track with the next stage of my life. I really hope it goes well and I can move to it.