Alright so I’m taking a break from math to write this cause lets face it… math is just not something that makes a person live laugh love. 😛 MAT1010 and to think I have to go to MAT1050. O_O I might very well be screwed with how things are currently going and knowing there is a final next. Ugh. Anyways…..
Before I had sex or a boyfriend, I (for some crazy stupid reason… maybe this is an effect of being so sheltered in my young years) used to think that when someone liked you they would make efforts to get closer to you and learn about you and talk to you and get to know you. Eventually after learning things they would ask you out on a date. The date would happen and continue doing so as the relationship progressed. I used to think sex is something you do with someone you LOVE. After all…. you can’t get any closer to a person than being one with them and getting your DNA in there. You know? That’s what I used to think. Well now? Haha. Now I have learned and became educated with how things REALLY work.
Boys come and go. They say they want commitment but the second something falls apart, they pull out their phone and install Grindr, POF, and OKCUPID (if they hadn’t already done so). They start perusing the wonderful menu of boys. Short, skinny, fat, tall, hot, ugly, etc… I mean you can order just about anything you want!!! That is if you don’t fall in the short, fat, ugly categories unless you do late night when people are drunk. So now you’ve been placed in the dime-a-dozen category even though you might have just spent 1-2 years with this person and it’s like it never meant anything. Yet you find yourself crying sometimes at night wishing it had worked out even though you broke up with him. You wished you were worth his time and effort enough for him to come back and fix what broke after you fixed the last 3 times you broke up with him for things he did. You ask yourself… why didn’t you just call it quits after the first 1, maybe 2 times. Then you remember: once your back in the pool of superficial guys that doesn’t care if you own your own house or cars or the fact that you are heading somewhere with your life, there’s no going back. These things make no difference unless your absolutely beautiful. Then maybe. Just maybe he will continue chasing after you. Unless he himself is beautiful. Then he will probably move on to the next superficial asshole. And sex? I haven’t even topped yet. I tried with my ex thinking he would be okay with it, but he just cried like a pansy and (if you read above) you’d definitely understand why that would upset me so much. I felt unwanted. Unloved. Apparently that’s just a verb (sex). Something “you do”. It’s not something you do with someone you love because you love them or about feeling warm tummy fuzzies because he loves you enough to give you his DNA and make yourselves a part of each other. It’s not where you wake up early to beautify yourself before he gets up so he never sees the “ugly” side of you. It’s not waking up to him watching you sleep when you forgot to wake up for beautification because you stayed up too late doing homework.
I’ve had a harsh reality check in this dating world. Having sex is easier than having a boyfriend. Yet…. having sex could kill you if proper protection is not involved and having a boyfriend (unless he’s a serial killer) might upset you if things don’t work out but it’s not death. What the fuck is wrong with you homos???!!!! Why am I the only one with this train of thought? I’ve even tempted relationships with guys I didn’t have an immediate attraction to and they still end up screwing me over.
I’m not gifted in the looks department but I didn’t get fucked over either. I’m happy with who I am and where I’m going, but I’m not happy I’m doing it alone. I thought by now I would have something real and serious. Someone that wanted to spend their life (or at least a healthy chunk of it) with me. One happy marriage. It’s kind of a goal, but it’s one I don’t have a lot of control over. Unless I change my crazy ways. Most of the way I am today came from my childhood. The insecurities and worrying. Granted… my ex that could never fix us when we broke was definitely not helping that little situation either. Guys find that unattractive. To be insecure. It wasn’t my choice. I didn’t tell my mom to choose my step dad over me or my dad to help my sister out with everything and argue with me when I ask for numbers to fill out my FAFSA and then ask me for $10k so he doesn’t lose his houses. I do however, have control over who I am and how I do things. I do try.. I try to not worry so much and try to not fear the repeating past but…. it’s hard.
My Head 