Blessed?

I don’t think of myself as religious by any means, but I do kind of feel like I am ‘blessed’ of sorts. I have listened to an audio book that is talking about love. How some will have many loves and you’ll never know how long they will last, but you do what you can each time and enjoy the moment. I feel it is totally true.

Like I’ve been blessed to have fallen in love a few times in my life. And I know this sounds totally nuts (and maybe it is), but I would say my strongest ‘love’ was in high school when I was into a couple of guys. Stockery I know. But really. I was totally into them. Dreamt and thought of them. Did not follow them around school, just used my overzealous imagination.

It would have been amazing to experience love with a person at that age, but it never did happen unfortunately. But I would say my strongest love occurred during that time. It happened again after I bought a house in Utah. But this one was someone I was with. It was just very short lived. And I appreciate that I was given the chance and opportunity to experience it… even though it wasn’t much and didn’t last. I just love how much of a feel I got to feel for that short time. I met another guy as well that was a similar scenario that….. just never worked for some reason. Yet he found someone and stayed with him for a few years. Idk. Things are weird in the world.

Anyways,that’s it for the night.

Just another day… sort of

I finally started taking some medications. I’m not quite crazy as far as I know, but I am trying to deal with things better. I went on a med and it has really kicked my ass coming back off of it. I’m switching over to another for the, or at least what I, believe to be the major underlying cause. Only I learned that it is EXPENSIVE! Like really expensive. But if it helps it should be worth it. And thank god for GoodRX. I don’t know what the point of insurance is.

I just finished reading/ listening to the book “You are a badass” by Jen Sincero and I think she has some validity in the things that she says. She basically says to push for your goals, change the way you think and live like you want to live. I think I’m somewhat doing that and that I do push for things I want. But I also think I’m failing a little bit in other ways.

The meds are really messing with me mentally though. I’m irritable and just….. not ok. Lol. It lasts up to 3 weeks. Which is fine I guess. Gives me some time to swallow the cost of the other pill I will likely need to be on.

Anyways. Focus lately has been on privacy because I want to change the field that I’m going into a bit. It’s still a work in progress but I have to the end of the month to make a decision. I think I have made one already though.

For some crazy ass reason I’m getting back in the damn mindset that I want to find a boyfriend and a husband. And I’m not saying I won’t get those things, but there’s only so much I can do in my life to actually get a man to want me of his own accord. I can’t be the only one that puts in my all to have 1/4 of someone else invested. It wears on me a bit. And I mean overall it just sucks. I was talking to a hookup I met and things were ok…. I kept trying to talk in ways of commitment and he would correct them with words of sex. Idk. I guess if someone really likes me, I will know it. In my head, I shouldn’t have to be the one to put forth all of the efforts. But I think that is how all gay men think… they shouldn’t have to put in all the work. They should just be swept off their feet. If they aren’t, then it’s not meant to be. But it isn’t realistic. Being gay really sucks sometimes. Sex only with young guys.

Just had a moment. Crying a bit. Thinking about no matter what stage of my life there just hasn’t been a guy into me. It hurts. Kinda. I think I’m fine. I have good… and bad… qualities. I don’t see a lot of reasons why someone shouldn’t like me tbh. Yet that’s what has happened so far in my life. Just being single. Then if I find anything with the smallest taste of potential, it doesn’t turn into anything.

As per Jen Sincero though, words of affirmation:
I am good enough. I am awesome. I am smart. I am driven and motivated. I am handsome. And I do happen to believe ALL of those things!!! I always have. I don’t think I’m not worth dating. And when dating, I don’t think I am the best option out there for anyone, but I’m not a bad one either. The problem comes though that most people don’t see the other good in me.

This isn’t the world that i was hoping for initially. It isn’t what I dreamt of as a kid. I’m not saying what I dreamt of as a kid was necessarily on par with how the world really is, but I did dream of falling in love; having a boyfriend; a husband… growing together. It just doesn’t seem like it should be THAT complicated. But reverse side, if I had that, would I be stuck somewhere or would we be moving around like I have done? I don’t think I would have been happy living in my home state. But then again, I’m not really happy here, alone, either. Lol. Funny how that works out. I’m not unhappy. Just would be funnier to do this with someone instead of solo.

I have thought…

I’ve thought month after month about writing in this, but I’ve just not had time, been too busy, and too lazy to get logged in. I’m using my iPad, so hopefully I’ll be more inclined to just tap an app to type these going forward.

I saw the last time I wrote was in November. Though I do have a copy of something I started on my desktop last month (it’s in a text doc). I may post that and back date it too, but for now, I’ll just write a fresh one. 12 posts a year is not that hard lol.

So the new city?! Well I still like it, but I don’t like the city I moved to. It’s very…. crappy. People like to steal here. My god, people REALLY like to steal here. And not just items, but freakin cashiers will still your shit too. I really don’t want to trust anyone. You’d think you could trust a cashier, but you really cannot. I had $300 stolen from a Costco employee that was on my cash card. Doesn’t sound at this point like Costco is going to make it right. How did it happen? Well it turns out they print the WHOLE card number on the activation receipt. Not just the last 4. This means the employee would only have to remember a 4 digit pin and nothing more. That is super crappy and imho, an oversight on Costco’s part. So between that and having my backpack with over $1k in it stolen, I’ve really been run through the wringer. I will admit that it could have been worse. A LOT worse. And I’m super serious about that.

I did buy a gun. 🙂 It has something I’ve been wanting to do for like a year now, so it was good to get it done. I’ve been looking into alternative investment strategies as well. There is so much stuff out there.

My dad just called and asked today if I would go in part with him on buying the house next door to his. I know why he asked that, but I don’t think I want to. He has a gambling issue and he borrowed 10k from me when I was younger. He has never repaid it and I decided not to hold it against him. I’m not doing that right now, I just have to use it in consideration when it comes to putting money into something with him.

Anyhow. I hate my job. The boss is psychotic and wants to micro manage. I just keep working enough to get by. I want to find something else. It’s nice though because I’ve been leaving like right at 5pm. I asked her about getting up to the $ amount we discussed when I started but opted to start lower and she never really said much except that she’d talk to them. I haven’t heard back and, in fact, since I’ve asked, she said this in a meeting “If you guys are looking for a raise, you need to be putting in 8 hours in Harvest and showing you are putting in the time”. I’m like…. lol! So I just make up time in harvest now. She’s so stupid. But also, if a company is going to do that kind of stuff, they aren’t worth working for. They want more time and more work out of me for a raise. I’m like….. listen…. if you want more out of me, then pay me an hourly wage and I’ll work overtime. TRUST me. My ass will be crazy working overtime. I just can’t stand her.

Anyhow. I’m sitting in the tub writing this on top of a cardboard box in a shitty apartment. It’s kind of comical really. I think I should take a pic so I can laugh my tits off later and use it for comparison.

I’m talking to my deaf boy. We are hopefully having a 3some soon with a black guy. Will be hot to see him getting fucked by BBC.

Here’s a pic of my ghetto little set up in the tub while I type this. Haha.

2019 omg

2019 was a decent year. There was a lot to it! Job changes, moved to new city, finally got the house mostly done….. I mean it really was an involved time of year!! Here we are in 2020 and you know I’m going to start off with some goals!!! They are listed below.
>Be more conscious of self and learn to focus more on mannerisms. IE: When dancing or when making lip movements to form words. Pay attention to how it feels and start using it. I noticed a bit when doing some practice dancing
>Learn to dance! This might be hard to squeeze in, but I think it would be really good to do! I’ve wanted to do it and it goes hand in hand with my goal of weight loss. 2 birds one stone?
>Get another investment property. For now, 1. Then maybe 2 by end of year for a total of 3. Goal is to have them before my bday.
>Update my wardrobe a bit. I’ve already started and have several new pairs of pants, but I feel like there’s no good reason why I should be wearing shirts with previous company logo on them…. ever.
>Sleep better overall! Eat a little better. Get rid of stuff.

I also failed to write posts for every month last year. I think I missed the most posts last year of all time. Super sucks haha. 12 posts a year isn’t that many. I know why I don’t do them as I should…. it’s a matter of remembering to do them once per month and I have been ultra scrambled. I’m trying to get back to where I used to be. I hope it is possible!!!

 

Posted on 05/11/2020
Actually written 01/09/2020 (to text doc on desktop but not published)

Blue sky with pure white stars

And I can say that with the most meaning possible. It is a very beautiful place!!! I have had 3 shots of some really horrible tequila, but it is doing the job I employed it to do. My roomy is a little bit of a douche, but she’s not ever going to change. I realized recently she has a mental deficiency which I think plays into it. She likes a lot of childish things but at the same time has intellect. It’s something I haven’t seen before. But it is kind of cool.

This will be a very short post as I’m a bit inebriated and I have some things I have to get done. I figured I’d write an end of the month post for funzies mostly. There wasn’t any particular reason why I decided to. 🙂 Other than that.

Random Financial Thoughts – Word Vomit of sorts

I’m sitting here tonight. A bit cold in this AirBnB in the new world I’ve been thinking about and “dreaming” towards. I have $3,000 in my pocket that I need to make into a check for the landlord tomorrow. 5 years I went without paying rent and here I’m about to again. So weird. I guess it’s a bit better in the sense that it should be only $450/ month in the big city because of the place I’ve decided on and the roomy I have. I hope things work out.

I am re-doing my resume today. I went back to my old one because I at least had 4 job offers with it once so it has been tried and true at one point or another. The new one…… well I learned you shouldn’t add a pic so I have 86’ed that guy.

But honestly, I keep thinking about that fucking asian woman down south. She had two AirBnB buildings. TWO! On my merry little way out of her house, I saw she had a hair salon in the garage. Not a single actual tool most humans would have in a garage. Mind blown. Bitch rents out rooms and cuts hair. Talk about making it. I mean she has two effing pieces of real estate!!!! I need a job…. just so I can buy another place. I don’t give a rats ass about the job so much. I just need it to buy. Kinda funky how that works. Of course I don’t want to run through my funds or safety net either, so a job is helpful in aiding that situation.

But I’m sitting here trying to apply for jobs and asking myself…. “what the fuck are you doing?!?!”. My father… bless his heart… owns 5 pieces of property. Small city, but still owns 5. He’s starting to talk about how well he is doing and that he can leave his retail job. I make about 600 in cash flow a month off of my property right now. But realize I make the full amount of rent per month because they are also paying down my mortgage. So….. why am I so sad? BECAUSE! I don’t like this “feel stressed because I don’t have a job”. But I’m not stressed! But I am! What the fuck does that even mean. Well I’m stressed because I know it is a societal norm to feel stressed when you don’t have a job. But…. my car is paid for. I have no debt. I guess now I have rent I have to pay. Why am I stressed? I have money to cover my expenses. I live cheaply. And I have more money being generated by my asset every month. So again…. why stressed? Well…. because that’s the american norm. Live. Work. Get Paid. Spend. Continue. So when you aren’t part of the norm, your fucking weird. Like I go get a 27,000 check written for a car…. I’m fucking weird. I move to a new city and get an apartment without a job…. but I have $ in the bank to show I’m good for paying rent…. I’m fucking weird.

I don’t like feeling weird!!! My financial decisions to this day are “weird”. Therefore the way I am today is “weird”. And I don’t want to work for some ungrateful company that isn’t going to pay me what I think I should be paid. I don’t!!! Why?! Because! No one owns me! And for fuck sakes there’s plenty of opportunity in these United States of America for me to do whatever I’d like to do. But places look at you funny when you don’t do it the way everyone has learned. So I’m what? A fat Divergent in the Divergent series? Lord knows not a one of them had a tummy. Ha. So I’m like a Diverged Divergent? Good lord.

My dad wants to work to get that SSI when he retires. I’m aware that SSI is a joke and you have to plan ahead to support yourself. I see these old people like my sweet grandma getting a small paycheck to live off of. $30,000/ year is what she made I believe and now she is getting that tiny SSI check from the government and she’s maxing it out for all of her bills. Her property tax just went up though. So now it’s even tighter! Do I want to grow old and live this way? Work my ass off today for nothing tomorrow? She feels very good about the work she put in in those years at Sears. Yet…. she has very little now. I love this woman to bits!!! I do. And it breaks my heart to know deep down that she was screwed her entire life and now she’s dealing with the repercussions. She did everything she was supposed to do. Had a job, two kids, bought a home, had some pets. She’s okay. She’s not in hot water, but it isn’t getting cheaper and her SSI isn’t increasing. She doesn’t have anything other than the retirement money SHE SAVED (HA! Fuck SSI). But she pulled out in the market crash of 2008 because they didn’t want to lose the money they had. It never went back into the market and therefore never rebuilt. She didn’t lose anything but she didn’t gain anything. I have some money in the market and some in real estate. I let both do whatever they are going to do for the time being.

I know there’s more out there and I’m reading about it. I can’t quite see how it’s done without a job right now. And I haven’t got a clue how an 18 year old buys 50 doors by the time he’s 30. But I’ve heard of it. And I don’t know the secret. Surely he didn’t have enough of his own cash to do that? Granted it’s monopoly. You build one set of hotels, and one of most properties and you bend every one of your family members over as you watch their money disappear and properties become re-mortgaged. Even if it’s just St. James Place. I mean at that point the rest of the family sees they will lose and gets mad at you that you won’t give out one of the properties of the colors they own 2 of. They get mad and throw a tantrum about it and quit because everyone can see you will win. But if the family has that perspective, tell me exactly why they do the day to day “American Dream” method? Why? I’m bored of it. I see so much more in this world than going to work spending money and going back to work to spend…. yep. More money. I don’t like it.

So I’m trying to figure out ways I can maybe run an AirBnB as my day job. I mean for now it would make sense. Washing sheets sure beats the fuck out of listening to people bitch about how awful you are for not predicting the fail of their primary production server but never saying thanks when you proactively clear the disk space so it doesn’t fail in the first place. I mean…. seriously. And yeah…. start your own business. Isn’t finding clever ways to get $ through a service or renting a way to do that though? A way to run your own business? A way to squeeze pennies from the average American’s pocket? Car wash? AirBnB service fees? NETFLIX! You pay for some of these services that require little to no actually upkeep. I mean sure Netflix has to maintain servers, they have to maintain all sorts of things, and a support department, but do you think those things actually cost that much in the grand scheme of things? Hell no, they do not.

The question is, how do I get money from someone else in a way they are okay paying for it? Rent. Yep. Rent. People need something, they are accustomed to paying for it. Dealership makes trade in’s easy. They’ve learned they can fuck someone by giving them a low price on their used car and sell another used car for a higher price to that person. Between the two, they essentially rob the customer of a shit ton of money. But it’s easy and I can get the new shiny truck. Yep. You can. And you can add on to your already insane debt because your a dumbass and didn’t pay attention to what just happened.

Someone dies. How many hands… and I’m not just talking about family…. are ready to stick their hands in that cake? Hm? Well. You have all the family that have to come see the deceased (plane tickets). You have the funeral services ($10, your loved on is worth, yeah, $10 sounds good so they can rest in piece. We all know that in the heads of the mourners that they pay that money “for a good place for their loved one”). You pay for nice things right? Don’t worry. Caterers want to eat into your profits. Or …. let your family eat into your profits rather. Ha! Believe me, it goes on. Every opportunity… every life event, someone tries to capitalize on. It’s logical right? In American culture yes. Do you think an apartment complex of 25 units needs to charge for washers and dryers? Fuck no. They make plenty off the tenants. Opportunity. That’s what life is. I’m just trying to figure out which opps I want to seize. For now I’ll retain the American mindset. Tomorrow…..

Word vomit, but probably the most intimate

My current state of mind is all over the fucking place. I’m stressed, anxious, sad, happy, scared, excited, pissed, etc. I don’t love feeling these things. I watched a TV show. “Tales of the City”. The newer one. And….. watching it….. watching gay people on TV just reminds me how much I don’t like being gay. It’s like being gay is this process and requires you to be x, y, and z in life. I’ve always been more ‘masculine’ and not so ‘gay’. And if you don’t know what i mean when I say that, go check out Pride or that TV show I mentioned. There is a scene where there are a bunch of older men talking (it’s where they make fun of transgenders). The thing that bothered me is these butch looking men are all talking “gay” and being “gay”. Until they get serious, then they turn back into “men” again. I don’t like that. I feel like I don’t fit in. I didn’t want to change myself in that way to be “gay”. I’ve always felt like I’m fine as is and I offer some pretty great qualities. Many things I, of course, need to learn from and work on and work towards, but great things no less.

I’ve been working to be more “gay” and study what it is to be “gay”. Any gay will tell you “just be yourself”. And yet…. I live a life alone and single. I’m not good enough for a whole host of reasons. Do you know how many men message me out of the blue to see me again? Because they like me? It’s rare. And if they do, it’s usually to fuck and they disappear. I used to think I would find someone and be happy with just them. I used to believe in Monogamy. But I’m finally here to bid farewell to the old me and the old desires I had. I used to imagine a man holding me in bed and telling me sweet things. I used to imagine a man who would walk up to me when I was on a bridge looking over at water and he would come up to me and hold me. I had a ton of dreams. Now I feel scatterbrained and lost. Drowning in my life and trying to get myself back. I’m not sure if I’m too far gone yet.

Even when I get out of this and, even in the off chance that I lose weight, I’m not sure that I will be able to trust anyone to love me. My ex told me something when we dated. I commented on my weight which at the time was like 150lbs. Maybe 160. Saying I wanted to lose more. He said I was fine as is. I asked him if he’d date me if I got fat. He said yes. Then I said “200?”. He said “well maybe not that high, but you won’t get there”. Not to say other people wouldn’t, but so far I haven’t had luck. And I’m afraid that when/ if I lose the weight again and date someone that I won’t trust him to love me in case I were to get fat again. I know I’ve bounced back and forth.

Deep down, I wish I would have found someone to love me as is and for all of my qualities. I wish I would have been good enough. I wish I would have found that guy that would have said “babe, I’ll date you no matter what, you are beautiful…. perfect”. And I wish I could have found someone that would have stayed with me and built a life with me on their own accord knowing more about me than I knew of myself. But here I am doing all of this alone trying to become more “gay” just so I can find someone. And even if I do find them, I don’t think I’ll be able to open up to them.

I find myself depressed in a way….. depressed that for some fucked up reason I want love. I want someone. I don’t want to be alone in this life. Everyone likes to say “you don’t need love, you need to love yourself, you will find someone”. I’m personally waiting for the day when I decide to leave this world where some of my final thoughts include “I told you I wouldn’t find it”. And that’s not to be a negative person…. I just honestly believe that:

1. love does exist
2. many people will experience love in some way shape or form at least a few times in their life (I have)
3. not everyone will be entitled to a happy story with love

But honestly, even if I get through life doing what I want to do, at what point does money, sex, and career growth come to a halt? When do I think “this is enough, I can’t keep doing this without having someone”. Now, why do I need someone? I don’t. I want someone. I want a family. Something I haven’t been very fortunate to have much of. I’d like to know what it’s like to have someone that wants me every day. And is maybe even okay with my insecurities that I’m sick of hiding. I want someone that won’t get pissed at me for asking if he loves/ wants me every now and then because I just don’t feel like I’m good enough. Not to say I think anyone should have to go through that. I wouldn’t try to force myself upon anyone. If someone wanted me, its for all of me as is.

I haven’t yet decided when I’m going to say “enough is enough”. I have 4 years left till 30 and from there, about 6 before I feel like I’m hitting no man’s land. Aaaaaand….. I just can’t/ won’t go through this again. I remember telling myself something like this when I was 16:

When you are 18, hopefully you will have someone. Hopefully you’ll be happy but if not, then maybe 21. Someone out there should want you. And if that doesn’t happen, live your life and by 25 something has to come up. And beyond that, I hope you’ve found something because I don’t know what else to say.

And here I am today. Making my next list of ages hoping and praying that I will have someone in my life. Most of the time it isn’t super important. Much of the time, I am ok. I’m not upset and hurt. But when I reflect on where I’m going and what I’ve done and I think even further ahead about what benefit there is to any financial success I may have, I really struggle. I want him. I want a life together. I want wholeness and comfort of knowing that I’m building a future, not just for myself, but for someone else. Do you honestly think I invest in properties for my own good? To some degree, yes. It’s not for the boyfriend I don’t have…. that’s for damn sure. It’s for the kids I hope to one day have. But I’m not sure if I’m going to have it in me to raise kids alone. I could. I’m not afraid of it, I’m just not sure that’s what I want.

Maybe by some crazy chance, this move to a bigger city will yield positive results and I will find an amazing man that is real. Maybe I’ll just find more people like the ones here in this city. Maybe it will be worse. But I am trying. I’m hoping. I’m doing what I think I need to do for the next step in my life. What I need to do to have a chance at finding that happiness that has plagued me since I was sooo freaking young.

And then I watch TV, listen to real stories, and watch them unfold in my life in front of me at work. When shit gets tough, lovers go sleep with other people. Then they get back together and its all supposed to be okay again. That or they are so hard walled for whatever happened that the person is viewed as tainted and not worthy. This is what I see and know.

But deep down, I know that out there in this world, there are people who truly truly love one another. Who are both monogamous and in open relationships. People who couldn’t see the world without each other. I know love does exist and I know people everywhere experience it. But I also know that people are people. I know they lie, steal and cheat. I know people don’t care about each other.

As I said, I just hope that someone one day will see something in me that maybe I don’t even see. I hope that it is long lasting…. maybe even till death. I do think I’ll die alone. That’s the strong independent woman coming out of me. I don’t need a man. I love myself. I expect a solo death. But I WANT togetherness, love, and passion. I want him to love whatever weird ass stupid ass things I do that no one else likes. But only if I’m the one that is supposed to be with him. I don’t want to interject on someone elses’ special someone leaving them single. I don’t mean that as in I’m not worthy but other people are…. I mean that as I believe there are people out there that are for each other. Their long term future partners. And just in case I don’t get the opportunity to meet mine, I really really hope I don’t take someone else’s.

Deep down, I want to give more than I take in this world. I want to build myself up, yes. But I also want to leave positivity and of course give what I have to my family even if I chose not to stick around. I would rather be single than to steal someone’s life love. Be it on purpose or accident.

There’s some “weird” things coming out in this post, I know. I don’t completely understand why I’m not just okay with fucking around and never being WITH someone, but it’s just not what I want personally. It just isn’t. I want long term. I want love. I want passion. I might be a millennial but not inside. Inside I’m something else for some reason. I seldom fit in.

I hope that no matter what nutty shit happens in my life that I get a good taste of something for a while at the very least. Ah last story.

I remember I was waiting for the FrontRunner once about 2-5 years ago. I may have written about this once a long time ago….. but I had just gotten off school and I was waiting for the train at the station. It was dark outside. I was chatting with a Russian guy who I liked but didn’t quite feel that same feeling back from him. We messaged on the train and somewhere between waiting on the platform and me saying the words that ended that relationship without realizing I had, I had this deep feeling in the pit of my stomach. I’m not usually one to believe in god, but this particular evening I did. I prayed to him and asked him that, even if only one more time in my life, could you please let me feel love again. I told him I didn’t care if it was for a week, a month, or the rest of my life, I asked Him for one more experience of love. And…. whether it was me being ultra open to the world or what, I met Jesse. In all of like a weeks worth of knowing the guy, I felt like this could be it. He treated me so nice, he was so handsome. Then about 1-2 weeks later I went through the heartbreak. I remember the final day of it… I drew a train on tracks. Hearts around it. Call it the “love train”. And it hit me on the tracks hard and flew past me. And just as quick as it came, it went and there was a net on the back of the train that caught all of the hearts and love that were coming off the train. I toppled across the roof and laid on the tracks in a deep pain of love that wasn’t meant to be. I cried at school on the bench under the bridge between buildings before the start of my next class. That was the day he didn’t respond. He had said he was going to pick me up from school which I thought was super cute and romantic. But of course the time neared and he never replied. Finally about the time I had to leave to catch my bus he did message and said he was sorry that he had fallen asleep. From that point on, he disappeared and came back and disappeared. And each time he came back he got worse and worse. He got nasty and mean with me. Aggressive mentally, not physically. The last time I went to see him was one of the most awful visits I had ever had. He slammed my car door… and for some reason was totally rude. I don’t know what it was or why it was. It didn’t dawn on me till tonight that maybe God did indeed put that man in my life to give me the last feeling of love I would feel….. then turned it into an evil curse or someothing. Haha. Religious nutcase… I don’t think so. Just looking for explanations to the unexplainable.

Anyhow, I have to go to bed. I do hope I haven’t spent my last chance at finding love but at the same time…. if that was honestly the last I’m allowed to have in this life….. it did feel good when it was happening.

Oh haha. I guess I have one more thing since i’m spilling the beans of my life. When I was young… I’d say between 10-14 somewhere, I found out my mom had rheumatoid arthritis. This was added on to her diabetes and asthma. She wasn’t obese, but she did fluctuate in weight. Well. One day, I felt so bad my mom was going through things that I prayed to god that she wouldn’t have to go through anything else and that he could put all of those awful things on me. I hated seeing my mom go through that. I wanted her to be happy and live a fulfilled life. I think I may have also told God to give me the pains and problems of all other people too, but I can’t recall if I went that far. Well point being that when I care about someone, I care. I still love her to this day, but I’m not sure we will ever have any type of relationship again. It’s fine. And yes, my prayer was odd… but I guess it shows who I am as a person… From my experience thus far, that prayer wasn’t made to be true and I don’t think I’d want it to be at this point, but where I did ask, I won’t take it back if I had to go through it for some reason. When I believe in God, I believe he will do what he sees is right.It’s not necessarily that I don’t, I just believe in science a bit more. And sometimes I ask for help when I struggle. God in my life comes from my grandmother. She’s fairly religious and believes god will do what is right. Unfortunately, my grandmother has a lot of power over me being the one I looked up to when growing up. I suppose that isn’t unfortunate. But now that I talk to her daily, she doesn’t seem to be the same lady I once knew.

Damn. Life is interesting and fairly fast paced isn’t it?

Busy busy busy!

Wow, so things have been insanely busy lately. I’ve been working on my house trying to get it done before the September 1 deadline. I may actually be staying longer than September 1 I’ve discovered…. but only because I’ve decided to invest in Real Estate for my future instead of just going to find real estate and stress out over there.

My weight hasn’t really changed but I am more conscious of what I am eating now. I’m also very serious about cleaning up my life. As in I am getting rid of a ton of stuff, fixing up my house so I can get the eff out and packing only things that I feel make sense. I’m also getting a car that makes more sense for my future.

I’m kind of just hoping my boss doesn’t try to get rid of me until I’m actually ready to go even though I told him Sept. 1. I mean… I suspect I will be ready or really really really close to being ready to go by then but even still, I might try staying till the end of the year to reap some more of the benefits from this job.

And something else crazy is happening. I listened to this podcast today “Turnkey Tuesday” by Mercedes and she’s talking about how you shouldn’t buy a house for yourself because all you do is tie up your money in it and you don’t actually get anything out of it. I agree but at the same time I don’t. Like I think for most people that is true, but when you look at me living for FREE in my own home while being paid double my mortgage…. I mean…. can you see why I don’t agree? Hahahaha. But in all seriousness…. she makes very valid points. The fact I’m in the position I am in is right place right time type of thing. Cheap fixer upper house, roommates, bank owned. I mean…. I practically stole it. haha. I do have the money that I could pay it off. At 26, yes I could pay my house off. Crazy isn’t it? And I mean a house in Salt Lake no less. I think that’s awesome. It’s not San Francisco, but it’s not a tiny city in Tennessee either. Instead of paying it off though, I will be investing in more real estate….. And hopefully it goes well. 🙂 I’m scared but excited and I think I started young enough with all of this (22) that I’m going to come out pretty well unless I really fuck something up. Also very possible.

But yeah… no man in my life. Dated a guy but he decided he didn’t like me for unknown reasons. I get the feeling he didn’t like me from when we met. Yet he kept talking to me. Then another guy I had come over 3 times to fuck. (braulio). We fucked 5 years ago and went on a date but when I told him I didn’t like that he smoked weed and didn’t want to be around it myself (around it, not him), he decided i wasn’t worth dating. Fast forward today. We fuck…. and we fuck… and we fuck. Then the last time we met he tells me I’m too fat and that I’m lazy because I wore a hat and a similar black shirt so it looks like I never change outfits? Not clothes… outfits.

And all I can help think is how in the fuck is it possible that there are so many men in this world and it comes down to them not liking me because I don’t participate in something small or that my physical appearance is just a tad too “off” to them. I’m just kinda tired of trying to find someone.

A guy on Facebook wrote something… here, I’ll just post it:

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So….. with that said I’m going to call this a wrap. I will mention about work….. the lady I work with I used to like but she is SO two faced! Ugh. I hate that about Utah. I don’t know if it is more here than other places. I kind of assume it is worse due to the religion and paranoid bunches. (As in conspiracy theorists). She is a bit of one for sureee.

Anyhow. Call it a wrap now. Oh wait…. jk. Really. It’s a wrap.

 

Having a tough time

I’m having a bit of a tough time. So much stuff going on yet…. nothing is happening. I am at full capacity with the rooms and have been for a couple of months. The progress is being made. Not lightning fast but enough things at enough of a pace that it’s coming together. Sometimes I’m so much on autopilot I don’t know how anything is getting done but it is. This I would say is a good thing!

I think I’ve decided on buying another property in the state that I’m in while I have a job so I don’t run into any tough situations in a new place with a good credit score but no job history. Plus I think it will help out a bit to clean everything up and tie up everything while I’m here…. rent our all units and find a property manager then move. As long as I break even with the property managers I should be good to go. The goal is to have no official new debt in my life and as few issues as possible.

And lastly I’m going to be looking for a new car here pretty soon. 🙂 I’m kind of excited because I know what I want and I think I can get it. It’s a little more than what I sold my car for but I think that will be ok since I intend to get rid of my other car too.

I did have several encounters recently too. One was a hookup with someone I knew before. The second was a dude I went on a date with and the third was a mother ducking god. He had an amazing body but his personality blew him the fuck out of the water in my eyes. I wanted that crazy bad. And more importantly he treated me like I was someone he was interested in. And now he’s silent. I saw the old hookup again last night and the date is saying he always has stuff going on and he’s busy so I haven’t even tried to get him to come back. Funny enough….. I felt like I had to marry him to get him to have sex with me. Awful I. Know. And the last item on the docket. My real estate agent was a total tool and I wrote a bad review. He called me and asked me to remove it and would send me a gift card………… I wish people were more ethical. I wish I was making a difference in these guys’ lives tot he point they wanted me more than what little taste I always get. That’s all it ever is…. a taste. I guess if I want the real full size deal I have to buy it? 😭

And my car is sold in case I didn’t mention that. I’m a little sad.

Just one thing makes me forget….

Red red whine… stay close to me!!

So things are…… things. I got the toilet running in the basement today. My progress has overall been pretty phenomenal on getting the house done for the next chapter of my life. I have all rooms refilled and new roommates across the board. I’m pretty excited about it to be totally honest. I’ve also cleared out a TON of the shit i used to own. Made some cash off the things I’ve sold.

I’ve also managed to complete many of the projects and called people in to get things under way. I’m now kinda doing some cleanup and fixing of things that are needed around the house. Finally returning things to home depot and lowes that I’ve had forever! Using up my gift cards. It really is starting to feel a little better but I’m under a shit ton of stress. I’ll be showing the Subaru this weekend to get it sold. I have my fingers crossed it will be sold.

Lastly, i like the red headed chick at my work.. she kinda cool.

And also i’m tired of working on this damn house.

Finally, why am i so damn fat????

Notice i not talkin about boys? They don’t matter right now! Fuck em. I’m too fuckin busy.