Busy busy busy!

Wow, so things have been insanely busy lately. I’ve been working on my house trying to get it done before the September 1 deadline. I may actually be staying longer than September 1 I’ve discovered…. but only because I’ve decided to invest in Real Estate for my future instead of just going to find real estate and stress out over there.

My weight hasn’t really changed but I am more conscious of what I am eating now. I’m also very serious about cleaning up my life. As in I am getting rid of a ton of stuff, fixing up my house so I can get the eff out and packing only things that I feel make sense. I’m also getting a car that makes more sense for my future.

I’m kind of just hoping my boss doesn’t try to get rid of me until I’m actually ready to go even though I told him Sept. 1. I mean… I suspect I will be ready or really really really close to being ready to go by then but even still, I might try staying till the end of the year to reap some more of the benefits from this job.

And something else crazy is happening. I listened to this podcast today “Turnkey Tuesday” by Mercedes and she’s talking about how you shouldn’t buy a house for yourself because all you do is tie up your money in it and you don’t actually get anything out of it. I agree but at the same time I don’t. Like I think for most people that is true, but when you look at me living for FREE in my own home while being paid double my mortgage…. I mean…. can you see why I don’t agree? Hahahaha. But in all seriousness…. she makes very valid points. The fact I’m in the position I am in is right place right time type of thing. Cheap fixer upper house, roommates, bank owned. I mean…. I practically stole it. haha. I do have the money that I could pay it off. At 26, yes I could pay my house off. Crazy isn’t it? And I mean a house in Salt Lake no less. I think that’s awesome. It’s not San Francisco, but it’s not a tiny city in Tennessee either. Instead of paying it off though, I will be investing in more real estate….. And hopefully it goes well. 🙂 I’m scared but excited and I think I started young enough with all of this (22) that I’m going to come out pretty well unless I really fuck something up. Also very possible.

But yeah… no man in my life. Dated a guy but he decided he didn’t like me for unknown reasons. I get the feeling he didn’t like me from when we met. Yet he kept talking to me. Then another guy I had come over 3 times to fuck. (braulio). We fucked 5 years ago and went on a date but when I told him I didn’t like that he smoked weed and didn’t want to be around it myself (around it, not him), he decided i wasn’t worth dating. Fast forward today. We fuck…. and we fuck… and we fuck. Then the last time we met he tells me I’m too fat and that I’m lazy because I wore a hat and a similar black shirt so it looks like I never change outfits? Not clothes… outfits.

And all I can help think is how in the fuck is it possible that there are so many men in this world and it comes down to them not liking me because I don’t participate in something small or that my physical appearance is just a tad too “off” to them. I’m just kinda tired of trying to find someone.

A guy on Facebook wrote something… here, I’ll just post it:

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So….. with that said I’m going to call this a wrap. I will mention about work….. the lady I work with I used to like but she is SO two faced! Ugh. I hate that about Utah. I don’t know if it is more here than other places. I kind of assume it is worse due to the religion and paranoid bunches. (As in conspiracy theorists). She is a bit of one for sureee.

Anyhow. Call it a wrap now. Oh wait…. jk. Really. It’s a wrap.

 

Gray Hair! FML

So I found a hair that looks like a very bright silver color today. It stands out from a ways away. It might have just been the way the light was hitting it, but I’m pretty sure it was a single silver hair coming out of the side of my head. I wouldn’t be too surprised given the amount of stress I deal with day to day.

On the note of stress, work is a big one. The thing I haven’t grasped yet though is: After you’ve dealt with the same bullshit day in and day out with no changes, eventually (for me) it doesn’t have the same effect. I kind of just don’t care. I suppose this could be known as burn out. Either way, I wonder if it has the same negative stress impact on the body as it did when it legitimately was on my mind 24/7. I suppose it does in a way. It has more of a “when am I going to lose my job” type of feel. Truth is though…. this ship seems to be sinking. I passed up a job for an additional 7k/ year because I was hoping this would turn into something real. So far, it’s just the same shit different day model. Yuck. I don’t get to do site visits really anymore either which was my favorite part. My boss is maybe trying to squeeze me out or just thinks there are bigger plans. As my ex would say that annoyed me to no fucking end “who knows?”. Truthfully though, this job compared to my job last year…. I liked the environment there better in terms of the building. I don’t like this building at all or it’s location. If I’m going to spend 8 hours a day trapped in an office, it would be nice to be near some goddamn windows or at least have a cube with some decent desks.

Anyhow. On a separate note, I cannot stress how important cyber security is. From 2 step authentication to using randomly generated passwords for security questions, it is so freaking important. I’ve managed to find all of my roommates’ LastPass details simply because he didn’t log off. I hated 2 step authentication before, but I’m definitely falling in love now. That gave me access to bank data, dropbox, box.com, amazon.com, netflix.com, multiple personal gmail, outlook, and live.com accounts. It’s scary how much can be done to a person.

It’s strange to think that security doesn’t matter as much when you are with someone that doesn’t really care about you. This guy I’ve been chatting with…. he’s definitely ready for a companionship, but I want a relationship. I wouldn’t be very worried about him getting into my stuff (except bank related bits) because I just don’t think he would care enough about any of my personal stuff to really dive in. Anyhow. I don’t see it working. And I don’t really have the hope of finding a bf anymore. Companionship is easy to find, but the real mother fucking deal….. that’s a challenge.

Ah. Totally random side note. Didn’t even get to see the fireworks this year. They have always been my favorite so it’s kinda sad. I remember I used to get the tingles in my tummy imagining being with a guy to watch them together. Then I met my ex and he had to drag me to some other crazy spot with his family and I could never really feel the feeling I was hoping to get. Now that feeling is REALLY hard to come by. I guess they also moved the show further down the river. I don’t know how well I’d enjoy that. When I went this weekend to visit family, I stood on the pier and looked out at like 2 or 3am. It really is a beautiful place. It’s one of those things that are hard to capture in a photo. To give you an idea though, a photo has been posted below. At 3am with the city lights reflecting off the water.. absolutely stunning. And there are some water features up the road that are fucking phenomenal. I think the reason I love them so much is because I was at a really good point in my life and I was with an amazing man at the time (in other words a memory). The whole time I compared myself then (6-7 years ago) to now. I’m really proud in a lot of ways of where I am now, but I’m not where I had envisioned. Honestly, what I had envisioned was maybe not as realistic though. If I had found that man that could’ve supported us while I went to school, I might have my bachelors degree today. If I had parents that could afford to have me live at home both financially and mentally, I might have my bachelors degree today. And if I had the drive to just get it the fuck out of the way already, I might have my bachelors degree today. I can pin it on whatever I want can’t I? 🙂 At the end of the day, it all comes down to me getting it done for myself. Not for anyone else. Not really the life I’d hoped for, but it’s definitely the one I was given.

Lastly – the gym… still going. Still noticing differences. With any luck, I can stunt my gray hair growth. 🙂 I’m not sure I want to take my roomy anymore though. He had the audacity yesterday to ask me “are you up for some coffee?” and of course in my head I thought hm… I can’t tell if he’s offering or not, but even if not, a little outing might not be so bad. A few seconds later he clarified in saying “It’s triple point day and I was hoping to steal your receipt to get the extra points”. To which I said “ah, you know, I’m more of a Starbucks guy, sorry”. Fuck my roomies. Fuck humans and fuck the idea of friends. How does this relate to the gym? Well I take him on my membership since I get to take someone with me and… I don’t think I’m going to continue on with it. My roomies don’t do shit for me. My other roomy says “if you’d come upstairs, we’d probably hang out more”. I said “your welcome to text me and ask”. He said “well, I feel I shouldn’t have to to hang out with you”. Then I get a text from him asking to use the washer. I laugh and ignore the request for a couple days. Fuck ’em.

I know all of this was all over the place. I apologize. I just had a lot of stuff come to mind! 🙂

 

STILL busy

Unfortunately, not much has changed. I’m still suuuuuuper busy but the new pay is freaking awesome. Bought a 2015 WRX STI and no payments so that feels great too. I’m just diappointed with the dealership. They are just crooked people. The car seems to be ok for the most part. As for dating, I have been getting to know this guy living in Arizona but lets be totally honest. While he seems interested, so have several guys I have dated in the past. I have very little confidence that this one will work anymore than any of the others. The date I was supposed to go on on the 17th was cancelled by the douchey guy that randomly decided he couldn’t hang out. It always happens. Always. I keep thinking how great it will be to have a ring on my finger but I’m definitely realizing I’m going to be the one likely asking a guy to marry me and there’s a good chance he will say no…. assuming I ever get to that point. Any time I’ve ever brought up the super scary M word, guys just start disappearing. And no, it’s not on the first date that I ask that generally. It has happened in general conversation. Sigh. I’m not really sure what to say think or do about any of it. I think I would lose my mind if a guy asked me to marry him and things in the relationship were going well. Meh. Sigh. 😦 One day perhaps. Just…. not today. Like I’ve been saying for the last 12 or so years.

What I thought vs What I know

Alright so I’m taking a break from math to write this cause lets face it… math is just not something that makes a person live laugh love. 😛 MAT1010 and to think I have to go to MAT1050. O_O I might very well be screwed with how things are currently going and knowing there is a final next. Ugh. Anyways…..

Before I had sex or a boyfriend, I (for some crazy stupid reason… maybe this is an effect of being so sheltered in my young years) used to think that when someone liked you they would make efforts to get closer to you and learn about you and talk to you and get to know you. Eventually after learning things they would ask you out on a date. The date would happen and continue doing so as the relationship progressed. I used to think sex is something you do with someone you LOVE. After all…. you can’t get any closer to a person than being one with them and getting your DNA in there. You know? That’s what I used to think. Well now? Haha. Now I have learned and became educated with how things REALLY work.

Boys come and go. They say they want commitment but the second something falls apart, they pull out their phone and install Grindr, POF, and OKCUPID (if they hadn’t already done so). They start perusing the wonderful menu of boys. Short, skinny, fat, tall, hot, ugly, etc… I mean you can order just about anything you want!!! That is if you don’t fall in the short, fat, ugly categories unless you do late night when people are drunk. So now you’ve been placed in the dime-a-dozen category even though you might have just spent 1-2 years with this person and it’s like it never meant anything. Yet you find yourself crying sometimes at night wishing it had worked out even though you broke up with him. You wished you were worth his time and effort enough for him to come back and fix what broke after you fixed the last 3 times you broke up with him for things he did. You ask yourself… why didn’t you just call it quits after the first 1, maybe 2 times. Then you remember: once your back in the pool of superficial guys that doesn’t care if you own your own house or cars or the fact that you are heading somewhere with your life, there’s no going back. These things make no difference unless your absolutely beautiful. Then maybe. Just maybe he will continue chasing after you. Unless he himself is beautiful. Then he will probably move on to the next superficial asshole. And sex? I haven’t even topped yet. I tried with my ex thinking he would be okay with it, but he just cried like a pansy and (if you read above) you’d definitely understand why that would upset me so much. I felt unwanted. Unloved. Apparently that’s just a verb (sex). Something “you do”. It’s not something you do with someone you love because you love them or about feeling warm tummy fuzzies because he loves you enough to give you his DNA and make yourselves a part of each other. It’s not where you wake up early to beautify yourself before he gets up so he never sees the “ugly” side of you. It’s not waking up to him watching you sleep when you forgot to wake up for beautification because you stayed up too late doing homework.

I’ve had a harsh reality check in this dating world. Having sex is easier than having a boyfriend. Yet…. having sex could kill you if proper protection is not involved and having a boyfriend (unless he’s a serial killer) might upset you if things don’t work out but it’s not death. What the fuck is wrong with you homos???!!!! Why am I the only one with this train of thought? I’ve even tempted relationships with guys I didn’t have an immediate attraction to and they still end up screwing me over.

I’m not gifted in the looks department but I didn’t get fucked over either. I’m happy with who I am and where I’m going, but I’m not happy I’m doing it alone. I thought by now I would have something real and serious. Someone that wanted to spend their life (or at least a healthy chunk of it) with me. One happy marriage. It’s kind of a goal, but it’s one I don’t have a lot of control over. Unless I change my crazy ways. Most of the way I am today came from my childhood. The insecurities and worrying. Granted… my ex that could never fix us when we broke was definitely not helping that little situation either. Guys find that unattractive. To be insecure. It wasn’t my choice. I didn’t tell my mom to choose my step dad over me or my dad to help my sister out with everything and argue with me when I ask for numbers to fill out my FAFSA and then ask me for $10k so he doesn’t lose his houses. I do however, have control over who I am and how I do things. I do try.. I try to not worry so much and try to not fear the repeating past but…. it’s hard.