So I found a hair that looks like a very bright silver color today. It stands out from a ways away. It might have just been the way the light was hitting it, but I’m pretty sure it was a single silver hair coming out of the side of my head. I wouldn’t be too surprised given the amount of stress I deal with day to day.
On the note of stress, work is a big one. The thing I haven’t grasped yet though is: After you’ve dealt with the same bullshit day in and day out with no changes, eventually (for me) it doesn’t have the same effect. I kind of just don’t care. I suppose this could be known as burn out. Either way, I wonder if it has the same negative stress impact on the body as it did when it legitimately was on my mind 24/7. I suppose it does in a way. It has more of a “when am I going to lose my job” type of feel. Truth is though…. this ship seems to be sinking. I passed up a job for an additional 7k/ year because I was hoping this would turn into something real. So far, it’s just the same shit different day model. Yuck. I don’t get to do site visits really anymore either which was my favorite part. My boss is maybe trying to squeeze me out or just thinks there are bigger plans. As my ex would say that annoyed me to no fucking end “who knows?”. Truthfully though, this job compared to my job last year…. I liked the environment there better in terms of the building. I don’t like this building at all or it’s location. If I’m going to spend 8 hours a day trapped in an office, it would be nice to be near some goddamn windows or at least have a cube with some decent desks.
Anyhow. On a separate note, I cannot stress how important cyber security is. From 2 step authentication to using randomly generated passwords for security questions, it is so freaking important. I’ve managed to find all of my roommates’ LastPass details simply because he didn’t log off. I hated 2 step authentication before, but I’m definitely falling in love now. That gave me access to bank data, dropbox, box.com, amazon.com, netflix.com, multiple personal gmail, outlook, and live.com accounts. It’s scary how much can be done to a person.
It’s strange to think that security doesn’t matter as much when you are with someone that doesn’t really care about you. This guy I’ve been chatting with…. he’s definitely ready for a companionship, but I want a relationship. I wouldn’t be very worried about him getting into my stuff (except bank related bits) because I just don’t think he would care enough about any of my personal stuff to really dive in. Anyhow. I don’t see it working. And I don’t really have the hope of finding a bf anymore. Companionship is easy to find, but the real mother fucking deal….. that’s a challenge.
Ah. Totally random side note. Didn’t even get to see the fireworks this year. They have always been my favorite so it’s kinda sad. I remember I used to get the tingles in my tummy imagining being with a guy to watch them together. Then I met my ex and he had to drag me to some other crazy spot with his family and I could never really feel the feeling I was hoping to get. Now that feeling is REALLY hard to come by. I guess they also moved the show further down the river. I don’t know how well I’d enjoy that. When I went this weekend to visit family, I stood on the pier and looked out at like 2 or 3am. It really is a beautiful place. It’s one of those things that are hard to capture in a photo. To give you an idea though, a photo has been posted below. At 3am with the city lights reflecting off the water.. absolutely stunning. And there are some water features up the road that are fucking phenomenal. I think the reason I love them so much is because I was at a really good point in my life and I was with an amazing man at the time (in other words a memory). The whole time I compared myself then (6-7 years ago) to now. I’m really proud in a lot of ways of where I am now, but I’m not where I had envisioned. Honestly, what I had envisioned was maybe not as realistic though. If I had found that man that could’ve supported us while I went to school, I might have my bachelors degree today. If I had parents that could afford to have me live at home both financially and mentally, I might have my bachelors degree today. And if I had the drive to just get it the fuck out of the way already, I might have my bachelors degree today. I can pin it on whatever I want can’t I? 🙂 At the end of the day, it all comes down to me getting it done for myself. Not for anyone else. Not really the life I’d hoped for, but it’s definitely the one I was given.
Lastly – the gym… still going. Still noticing differences. With any luck, I can stunt my gray hair growth. 🙂 I’m not sure I want to take my roomy anymore though. He had the audacity yesterday to ask me “are you up for some coffee?” and of course in my head I thought hm… I can’t tell if he’s offering or not, but even if not, a little outing might not be so bad. A few seconds later he clarified in saying “It’s triple point day and I was hoping to steal your receipt to get the extra points”. To which I said “ah, you know, I’m more of a Starbucks guy, sorry”. Fuck my roomies. Fuck humans and fuck the idea of friends. How does this relate to the gym? Well I take him on my membership since I get to take someone with me and… I don’t think I’m going to continue on with it. My roomies don’t do shit for me. My other roomy says “if you’d come upstairs, we’d probably hang out more”. I said “your welcome to text me and ask”. He said “well, I feel I shouldn’t have to to hang out with you”. Then I get a text from him asking to use the washer. I laugh and ignore the request for a couple days. Fuck ’em.
I know all of this was all over the place. I apologize. I just had a lot of stuff come to mind! 🙂
My Head 