Gray Hair! FML

So I found a hair that looks like a very bright silver color today. It stands out from a ways away. It might have just been the way the light was hitting it, but I’m pretty sure it was a single silver hair coming out of the side of my head. I wouldn’t be too surprised given the amount of stress I deal with day to day.

On the note of stress, work is a big one. The thing I haven’t grasped yet though is: After you’ve dealt with the same bullshit day in and day out with no changes, eventually (for me) it doesn’t have the same effect. I kind of just don’t care. I suppose this could be known as burn out. Either way, I wonder if it has the same negative stress impact on the body as it did when it legitimately was on my mind 24/7. I suppose it does in a way. It has more of a “when am I going to lose my job” type of feel. Truth is though…. this ship seems to be sinking. I passed up a job for an additional 7k/ year because I was hoping this would turn into something real. So far, it’s just the same shit different day model. Yuck. I don’t get to do site visits really anymore either which was my favorite part. My boss is maybe trying to squeeze me out or just thinks there are bigger plans. As my ex would say that annoyed me to no fucking end “who knows?”. Truthfully though, this job compared to my job last year…. I liked the environment there better in terms of the building. I don’t like this building at all or it’s location. If I’m going to spend 8 hours a day trapped in an office, it would be nice to be near some goddamn windows or at least have a cube with some decent desks.

Anyhow. On a separate note, I cannot stress how important cyber security is. From 2 step authentication to using randomly generated passwords for security questions, it is so freaking important. I’ve managed to find all of my roommates’ LastPass details simply because he didn’t log off. I hated 2 step authentication before, but I’m definitely falling in love now. That gave me access to bank data, dropbox, box.com, amazon.com, netflix.com, multiple personal gmail, outlook, and live.com accounts. It’s scary how much can be done to a person.

It’s strange to think that security doesn’t matter as much when you are with someone that doesn’t really care about you. This guy I’ve been chatting with…. he’s definitely ready for a companionship, but I want a relationship. I wouldn’t be very worried about him getting into my stuff (except bank related bits) because I just don’t think he would care enough about any of my personal stuff to really dive in. Anyhow. I don’t see it working. And I don’t really have the hope of finding a bf anymore. Companionship is easy to find, but the real mother fucking deal….. that’s a challenge.

Ah. Totally random side note. Didn’t even get to see the fireworks this year. They have always been my favorite so it’s kinda sad. I remember I used to get the tingles in my tummy imagining being with a guy to watch them together. Then I met my ex and he had to drag me to some other crazy spot with his family and I could never really feel the feeling I was hoping to get. Now that feeling is REALLY hard to come by. I guess they also moved the show further down the river. I don’t know how well I’d enjoy that. When I went this weekend to visit family, I stood on the pier and looked out at like 2 or 3am. It really is a beautiful place. It’s one of those things that are hard to capture in a photo. To give you an idea though, a photo has been posted below. At 3am with the city lights reflecting off the water.. absolutely stunning. And there are some water features up the road that are fucking phenomenal. I think the reason I love them so much is because I was at a really good point in my life and I was with an amazing man at the time (in other words a memory). The whole time I compared myself then (6-7 years ago) to now. I’m really proud in a lot of ways of where I am now, but I’m not where I had envisioned. Honestly, what I had envisioned was maybe not as realistic though. If I had found that man that could’ve supported us while I went to school, I might have my bachelors degree today. If I had parents that could afford to have me live at home both financially and mentally, I might have my bachelors degree today. And if I had the drive to just get it the fuck out of the way already, I might have my bachelors degree today. I can pin it on whatever I want can’t I? 🙂 At the end of the day, it all comes down to me getting it done for myself. Not for anyone else. Not really the life I’d hoped for, but it’s definitely the one I was given.

Lastly – the gym… still going. Still noticing differences. With any luck, I can stunt my gray hair growth. 🙂 I’m not sure I want to take my roomy anymore though. He had the audacity yesterday to ask me “are you up for some coffee?” and of course in my head I thought hm… I can’t tell if he’s offering or not, but even if not, a little outing might not be so bad. A few seconds later he clarified in saying “It’s triple point day and I was hoping to steal your receipt to get the extra points”. To which I said “ah, you know, I’m more of a Starbucks guy, sorry”. Fuck my roomies. Fuck humans and fuck the idea of friends. How does this relate to the gym? Well I take him on my membership since I get to take someone with me and… I don’t think I’m going to continue on with it. My roomies don’t do shit for me. My other roomy says “if you’d come upstairs, we’d probably hang out more”. I said “your welcome to text me and ask”. He said “well, I feel I shouldn’t have to to hang out with you”. Then I get a text from him asking to use the washer. I laugh and ignore the request for a couple days. Fuck ’em.

I know all of this was all over the place. I apologize. I just had a lot of stuff come to mind! 🙂

 

What to say? What to say?

You know that kid in class that made you think to yourself “shut the fuck up, I’m trying to learn”? I feel like that guy that needs to shut the fuck up lately. I’ve been on one… probably because of all the things that have happened recently. It’s driving me crazy. I feel bad about it too. I have one of those guys at work though as well… I wish he would stop flapping his gums all the time. It gets old listening to him.

Anyhow. So my roommate didn’t respond to my message last night. I have no idea where he stands and frankly I don’t want to go the legal route, but let’s be honest. I’m ready. 🙂 I can get through anything.

I want to start going back to school again…. hopefully that will happen soon. I will have to figure out ways to make that a reality.

I can’t believe I wrote 3 posts within the same 2 days. That never happens. I feel really good though about taking care of it early in the day. On a side note, i wish i had more friends.

A birthday and a busy job

It has been a long time since I’ve posted anything and I’m pretty tired and a bit sick so this one will likely be short.

Work – work has been so fucking busy since I started working at this new place. Oh my god it’s been crazy. I know ‘manage’ a team of 3 people. Tickets went from 60 to 30 in a few weeks so we are making progress. Off and on I feel like I’m going to get fired. Moreso recently because my sleep schedule is way fucked up. I worked 70 hours a couple weeks back and that really took it out of me, but stuff had to be done. There were some more things I was going to do to get caught up but I decided I needed some personal time. I’m taking this weekend off completely from like everything. Obviously not off of my computer because here I am.

Personal – I’ve virtualized several machines and I’m finally moving everything over to my ESXI HP box. Feels good to have everything more consolidated. I’m working on getting things closer to where I want them to be. I upgraded PFSENSE and the interface is phenomenal. I set up failover WAN which is amazing. I’m working on setting up VPN and VLANs next. I weighed 240 last time I checked and I’m – again – scared to check the scale. I’m still hanging out with Travis. I like him but idk if I’ll love him or not. We keep going on these roller coaster rides of crazy. Speaking of, tomorrow we are supposed to go to Lagoon for Frightmares. I’m kinda excited. We hang out a decent amount these days. Not these last few weeks. Crappy events happened. Jesse has not popped back in my life again which I’m very happy for. He comes in when he needs someone to give him motivational words then perks up and disappears from my life. I don’t like it. I don’t like not being someone he’s crazy about. That’s why I’m not into him. I also re-arranged my room. Iit feels bigger because of the way the bed is laid out now. I’m also sleeping on the higher side of the mattress and i think it’s fucking with my sleep a bit. You know how your body over time wears out the springs and makes a nice jelly bean shape of you? That’s what happened.

School – Taking the semester off and got my associates degree. 🙂 Yay. I need to figure something out for next year(s) and certifications. My goal was to get certs this year but that’s not happening so far and I’m disappointed in myself quite honestly.

Overall things are going ok. Money is it the bank. I need to get the basement finished so I can rent out my other bedroom and buy a car too. Need to move up in life.

Summer 2016 :)

So I haven’t given an update for a minute and it is a new month. I’ve been working at this new job for about a month now and there were a few things that kind of came about that had somewhat surprised me. The first was that the datacenter was a lot smaller than I expected. It has about 4 rows of racks. I was a bit astonished that was all that was here. There are a few servers in another location as well but this is the main office. For it to be this small is a little weird to me.

As far as how the new job is; it has been good. I was just getting settled in and now they are re-arranging the team again. My old boss is going to a new team and is no longer going to be a boss and some of my coworkers are currently packing their stuff up to work in the other location. I don’t mind those guys leaving but my boss changing kind of sucks and the guy I worked with will be gone too. I guess being by myself isn’t such a bad thing, but it sucks because I was kind of making a new friend and carpooling and stuff trying to save on some gas. So much for that I suppose. The job role also changed a bit. All IT/ managed services I was doing are now going to another guy and basically this is a vanilla NOC role again where I don’t really do much and can’t really do much. I’m quite disappointed to be honest. I was just getting used to doing the position but it looks like that is changing completely. Now I’m not really sure what I’m responsible for to be honest with you.

Home life is okay; not terrible. I just got the new garage door installed like a month ago. Putting in the sprinkler system. Thus far, I have one station working but it’s not automatic yet — I still have to install the command box. Station 2 is causing grief because it doesn’t hold pressure and no water stream is coming from the ground so I think the system is broken somewhere which is unfortunate and annoying because I have to find the break. Station 3 is beyond broken. Station 4 is the new station i’m working to install which has never existed. I’m hoping it will go relatively smoothly from here. I took a break today. Roommates are good. I still like Sarah but she’s starting to seem a bit two-faced unfortunately which really makes me sad because I thought she would be more awesome and friendly. 😦 She had a guy staying over for like 3 weeks which was way way way too much, but I wasn’t rude about it. She hasn’t texted me back any time I have sent her a message or email for that matter so I’m wondering if she is going to just leave or stay and not pay. She has already passed the deadline for rent and last month she was on top of it. I’m definitely concerned. My other roommates are mostly paying on time so that is also fantastic news.

Finally and overall, I have no bf and this year I’m not taking any more courses in school except the one to get my associates. I’m going to spend the rest of the year getting certifications which I guess my work will pay for which is awesome. Though I worry about my work because they seem to be financially strained from time to time. Like when fixing appliances and whatnot. It really does concern me. I’m hoping for the best though. 🙂 BF may come along some day. Dated a guy named Shawn. 30… still lives at home…. has an ‘entitled’ attitude. Didn’t work for me. The native mexican guy also didn’t work for me. I’m telling you when they live over 20 minutes away it causes strain in the relationship before there is even a relationship. At least for me it does because I don’t want to drive that far for some dude that may or may not work. I have better things to not spend my money on.

Oh and I ordered a pizza online tonight for the first time for me and my coworker. It was a new and interesting experience. That’s it for now!

Finals

So today I have my IT final. It’s the only one I am super nervous about but I suppose that is for a good reason. My grade will be a B- if I get 35/60. Anything less than that and I will be ending with my first C in any class which honestly makes me a little bit sad because I hold higher standards for myself. You know what else pisses me off about class though? When I actually come here, like 99% of the guys are skinny and fit. Grrrr. It always makes me ask what am I doing wrong? Aside from overeating and not working out I mean. 🙂

As for everything else in life…. dudes…. meh no one special. Met a guy named Shawn, but he lives with his parents and brother. I find that to be very unattractive. He’s also the type that is very entitled and thinks he deserves everything. Finally… he’s a redneck. Burps all the time and makes WAY too many sounds. It’s fucking obnoxious. Oh and he can’t keep his junk hard. lolz!!!! So that’s also a problem. And he doesn’t know how to open his mouth while giving head. Lots of issues I tell you.

As far as everything else goes though, I’m still settling into the new job. I definitely like it better than the other job but my sleep schedule is fucked. Right now it’s sleep, wake up, eat, work, sleep, eat, work, sleep, eat. lol. It’s terrible and needs to be changed. Last night I didn’t trust myself enough to get up for the test so I didn’t sleep at all and I’m running on fumes right now which…. is not very good minutes before a final I will admit, but that’s what happened unfortunately. On a more positive note the garage door is installed and I’m about ready to start working on the basement. Fantastic. K — I shall study a few more minutes before I have to take the test.

Great news!!

So the good, the great, and the awesome news! I just managed to get my room rented out thankfully. I had also updated my camera software (ISPY) for all of my IP cams and it fucked up EVERYTHING. 😦 On a more positive note I fixed it today. Turns out it was a problem with the firewall blocking the necessary ports for the inbound communication to the software. Installed another IP camera in my surveillance/ server room as well as I’m going to move the analog one outside somewhere. I also modified a few settings to make recording more efficient and more high quality. The server just sits there all day so I want high quality recordings whenever possible. I also modified the layout so i can see previous recordings right away which is much more efficient in my opinion. I feel great to have it working again.

As far as work, I put my two weeks notice in on Friday as I got another job with a Mortgage company as a help desk technician. I’m really hoping the grass is greener. I realized today when I was cleaning off my computer (securely deleting of course) that I didn’t have much on here in the first place for fear of being fired all the time. I think this is something that has caused a bit of a problem for me and might be a part of my weight gain. I really really hope this next job will be better. I also found a nice bench a few days ago to sit at outside and relax right across from my current job. Too bad I only get to enjoy it for another week. As for my boss, he was surprisingly kind of sad that I was leaving and he said he would try to find something, but Monday rolled around (the day we were supposed to have a chat) and he hasn’t said anything. I’m guessing the bosses or whomever he talked to just told him to let me go and maybe something else because he hasn’t really been all that nice. I submitted my two week notice to HR as well. Kind of feels nice and I saw the light at the end of the tunnel today.

Finally school: these next two weeks will be stressful because I have a new job and because I have some assignments due all at the same time. Thankfully I finished one of my classes already so just two more to go. Another huge friggin 90 question test though which totally sucks. I got my taxes submitted and my fingers are crossed I did it right. I felt good about everything except the school. It says to put how much I actually paid for school and my calculation was 700 higher than what they said it was through the paper they sent. Anyhow though, the last thing to bring up is boys. Same guys still. All 3 of them. None of them feel quite the same as one Jesse did but he’s gone now what can I say? I’m not too sad about that anymore in fact I’m weirded out his name came up at all today. Anyhow. Easter is coming. Almost time for discounted hollow bunnies!!! How could a person not be happy about that?! 🙂 Rented out my room too btw. To a girl named Sarah. I really hope she is cool, but we will know soon enough!! Oh Lucifer is doing good as usual and Charlie the brown fat rat that came with the free cage (I have to say that because I haven’t mentioned him and I can never remember who is who)… has a huge tumor and probably not much longer to live so I feed him lots of goodies.

New job?

So for 3 years I have undergone the risk of being fired and wanting to quit on a very regular basis. The last straw was when we had a very very busy day and my boss told me to log in to the phones. I replied with “dwight is not on the phones”. And he told me not to question him. Now don’t get me wrong, I was not professional and I know that. But I was and have been very sick of having this thing where he gets to slink back into an “i’m too old to do any work” attitude and I have to keep taking the most calls of anyone. Well that day I did end up taking about 40 calls and I did do a damn good job as always but I was livid that my boss would not clear the air with me. I even asked him to clear the air and let’s have a chat because I will not keep going on being forced to take the most calls while the other guy pisses off and goes to the bathroom every 10 fucking minutes. Anyways the point here being I got so pissed that day that I completely cleaned out my desk 100%. I removed everything from it and applied for a bunch of jobs the next day. I’ve been on about 5 interviews so far and I have one that seems more promising than the others. I would really like to get out of this place once and for all though. I’ve put in my 3 years and after going to so many interviews I’m seeing how my experience does not transfer very well. The ability to troubleshoot transfers, but the actual fact I’m supporting a proprietary product for a company means I put myself in a position where I couldn’t grow. Speaking of growth, that is the real reason I’m ready to leave this company. I cannot grow and I cannot move anywhere in this company. So I’m doing whatever I can possible do to get away from this poisonous dead end job. I really really hope to get something I like better and good lord, I might even get a few dollars raise. I just hope whatever job I get I do really well at and I rock it.

On a more positive note though with regards to job hunting, I got some shoes and a tie for the interviews and man I looked pretty good. Although i would say I would look even better in a suite jacket type of thing. I bought one and have never used it. I tried yesterday but I’m definitely a little too fat for it. When I bought it it was snug but I think i put on another 10-20 pounds.

The last thing I want to talk about it school. I think I just finished my TECH class and I’m making some decent progress on my Meteorology class. I’m iffy on my computer class though. Like I’m learning a lot but his tests are just horrible. I can’t wait to be done and have my associates degree. The next things I want to tackle are some certs like A+ and Network+. The more jobs I look at, the more that want to see that certification. So I’m going to study and see where I’m at then study some more and eventually take it. I hope I can get some certs this year and maybe I’ll go into school again to get my bachelors again some day.

Everything else: i’m still looking for a roommate. I keep finding people but no serious bites. I think I’m being too straight forward with my ads which is causing this issue. It’s truly a lot of stress trying to get that room rented and trying to find a new job at the same time while having homework due every so often. Yuck. But I’m hoping the room will be rented soon. I just posted it for 425 as opposed to 445. We will see, but something has to change. Job or room. I prefer room to be rented right away though. My last roomy Wayne moved out so that’s fantastic news. He paid out so technically I don’t need anyone in the room for 3 months, but I want to have the cash flow and I want to have the money he paid to get out of his lease as a pure profit.

Work, Life, Dates, Dudes

Today is a vent day. 😀

Jesse is PMSing I think. But this time I don’t know if it is going to last. I say this because he’s trying hard to pressure me into topping him and I won’t. Not until we are bf stage. I have already told him this is what I expect and what I want and he said he really wants me to top him. Since when does sex trump relationship? In my eyes that is not how things work. He has turned me off a lot from this last little escapade of his. I’m very turned off of him unfortunately. I miss him and I really liked him but he’s also the first guy that has made me THIS bullet proof. Not healthy.

School – I’m getting a feel for how the processes are and for each class. Work – Oh my fucking god. They are putting locks on everything! Changing locks. It’s freaking me out a little bit. They also added a watchguard to the network so they can monitor all network traffic and changed the wifi password. It’s not any more secure than the last one. I’m just not sure why they are going all out on everything. I’m very curious if something happened here that would cause them to do it? I haven’t really heard any news. There was someone that tried to hack this lady’s email account here so they freaked out about that. I RDP to my desktop pc to do all internet surfing and well… just about everything in general. They don’t need to know what I do on my personal break times. Kind of weird.

First of the year stuffs

Accomplishments:

• Put up 2 carport walls.
• Put carpet in three bedrooms; painted all of them.
• Performed an eviction successfully
• Re-rented out rooms as necessary
• Professionally wired some of the surveillance cameras
• New curtains in bedrooms and kitchen
• New couches to the upstairs living room. Much more homey.
• Put up shelf in carport for all extra siding.
• Cleaned up leftovers from shed that was torn down
• Completely cleaned out the mormon storage room
• Donated several boxes of unnecessary things
• Put in bathtub
• Put in door to basement to mitigate theft issues
• Re-worked lease to address problems that were not covered.

Boys: I’ve been off and on seeing Jesse. He’s a fairly nice guy. He’s super fucking adorable and he likes me for me. At least I feel like he does. That means a lot with me being 225 pounds. I used to be 150 and I found a superficial man that wanted $$$ and nothing more. He has that now I believe. Back to Jesse: he is a great guy, but he has an addictive personality (per his words). He goes from weed to booze. He disappears and gets overly paranoid and I deal with a lot with him. By deal with I more refer to my own emotion. In the early days, it used to bother me really bad, but he’s made me a bit bullet proof thankfully so I can handle these things better. I’m getting better at handling emotional things a little better all the way around. Still have a hard time though when people threaten legal action against me. In those cases I get VERY anxious. I think that has to do with my step dad threatening me in that tone all the time. Not too sure. He said he loved me like 3 times then follows that with “I don’t know what love is”. He doesn’t really give me the warm fuzzies I hope for out of a potential bf but what relationship is ever 100% peachy and happy? I mean seriously. So I’m not mad or upset I’m just…. cautious. He’s already got a record for disappearing. I’ve met like all of his family and they are nice people. Is it weird that it bothers me just a little that he comments on hot guys all the time and calls me cute and says there is a difference between hot and cute? It’s so true, but the old romantic me thinks that whole situation would go down a little differently.

Grandma is doing okay but she is so bull headed. I suggested she move to a one story house because grandpa can barely get up the stairs but she has been there so long, it would take a fire burning down the house for her to consider moving. Note I said CONSIDER. My dad seems to be happy having a baby to take care of. He’s a really good father in the loving caring way. He just fails in giving the appropriate amount of time. Or so he did when I was growing up. My sister? Still using Curtis to watch the baby and looking for another bf. My dad got her to take the baby — on a date. 🙂 I find that to be SOOO funny!!!! She does need to be more responsible with the baby though.

School has been stressing. This is the first semester in a while which I have not been prepared for. I feel like I’m wasting my time going to school. And money. I spend about 12 hours on public transit. I do not like it. On the bright side I have only one more class after this semester to get my associates and a certification! So that’s a plus.

Other stuff…. I think I want to get a Lancer.

Rant #247 ;)

I believe things are looking much better now. Things were not good for me the other day. It gets upsetting to go on dates and have guys never talk to you again because they are… well… just not interested in you. I mean. They act like it’s going so well and then conversation just tapers off whereas before you had met, things were going well. I hate it when that happens. Although I kind of just did that to a guy the other day, but he showed up looking like he was 42 (said he was 30) and he was super tiny. I just don’t dig that type of thing honestly. I prefer a guy that is more meaty. Oh… and by the way, even when I go on a date with someone in my playing field (chubby), they don’t last either! It gets so damn old. They don’t take the time to get to know me. I mean I’m young and have things going for me. I just don’t get why people cannot see that. They just see that I’m not exactly what they are looking for even though my picture looked like me. I know because every time I meet with someone they can find me. Almost every time.

 

On a more positive note, I slept alone last night (that was super nice) and I took a shower, shaved, made my bed before work. J You would probably think those are “normal” things that humans do these days, but when you are stressed out like me all the time and you have some person sleeping in your bed, you get lazy! I don’t know why that is. I have no clue why I get so lazy only when other guys get in my bed. I guess I have no control when they do. Like… I can’t make the bed before I leave and I can’t wake up on time because they are warm and comfy. I don’t like that. I used to be so different when I was more thin. But that’s why I was more thin. I had shit in order in my life and things were looking really good. I miss those days a lot, but at the same time, I understand they won’t just go back to being that way right away. I hope some day it does, but I know it won’t be soon. Unless I get Wayne out of my bed every night. Then we would be golden. Plus, if I knew someone was coming over before, I would clean the crap out of the house. I haven’t done that in AGES. I’m not 100% sure why I just stopped, but I guess I just don’t care? I’m working on nailing the reason that I don’t care as much about things so I can get my life back in order.

 

School? Almost over!!! 😀 I’m so excited. I will miss it and I loved it, but….. it’s almost over. J I’m non-religious but find myself praying like crazy that I pass my math class with no less than a B. I think I can, but we will see when the final comes around in a few weeks. We only have like one more chapter to cover in that class, one more test, and then …. Yeah. LoL. I love to hate school. J I’m getting caught up with things though. J Started building onto the garage some more the other night when it was nice and super warm outside. I was more or less making some plans to get it built instead of actually building it.