Just another day… sort of

I finally started taking some medications. I’m not quite crazy as far as I know, but I am trying to deal with things better. I went on a med and it has really kicked my ass coming back off of it. I’m switching over to another for the, or at least what I, believe to be the major underlying cause. Only I learned that it is EXPENSIVE! Like really expensive. But if it helps it should be worth it. And thank god for GoodRX. I don’t know what the point of insurance is.

I just finished reading/ listening to the book “You are a badass” by Jen Sincero and I think she has some validity in the things that she says. She basically says to push for your goals, change the way you think and live like you want to live. I think I’m somewhat doing that and that I do push for things I want. But I also think I’m failing a little bit in other ways.

The meds are really messing with me mentally though. I’m irritable and just….. not ok. Lol. It lasts up to 3 weeks. Which is fine I guess. Gives me some time to swallow the cost of the other pill I will likely need to be on.

Anyways. Focus lately has been on privacy because I want to change the field that I’m going into a bit. It’s still a work in progress but I have to the end of the month to make a decision. I think I have made one already though.

For some crazy ass reason I’m getting back in the damn mindset that I want to find a boyfriend and a husband. And I’m not saying I won’t get those things, but there’s only so much I can do in my life to actually get a man to want me of his own accord. I can’t be the only one that puts in my all to have 1/4 of someone else invested. It wears on me a bit. And I mean overall it just sucks. I was talking to a hookup I met and things were ok…. I kept trying to talk in ways of commitment and he would correct them with words of sex. Idk. I guess if someone really likes me, I will know it. In my head, I shouldn’t have to be the one to put forth all of the efforts. But I think that is how all gay men think… they shouldn’t have to put in all the work. They should just be swept off their feet. If they aren’t, then it’s not meant to be. But it isn’t realistic. Being gay really sucks sometimes. Sex only with young guys.

Just had a moment. Crying a bit. Thinking about no matter what stage of my life there just hasn’t been a guy into me. It hurts. Kinda. I think I’m fine. I have good… and bad… qualities. I don’t see a lot of reasons why someone shouldn’t like me tbh. Yet that’s what has happened so far in my life. Just being single. Then if I find anything with the smallest taste of potential, it doesn’t turn into anything.

As per Jen Sincero though, words of affirmation:
I am good enough. I am awesome. I am smart. I am driven and motivated. I am handsome. And I do happen to believe ALL of those things!!! I always have. I don’t think I’m not worth dating. And when dating, I don’t think I am the best option out there for anyone, but I’m not a bad one either. The problem comes though that most people don’t see the other good in me.

This isn’t the world that i was hoping for initially. It isn’t what I dreamt of as a kid. I’m not saying what I dreamt of as a kid was necessarily on par with how the world really is, but I did dream of falling in love; having a boyfriend; a husband… growing together. It just doesn’t seem like it should be THAT complicated. But reverse side, if I had that, would I be stuck somewhere or would we be moving around like I have done? I don’t think I would have been happy living in my home state. But then again, I’m not really happy here, alone, either. Lol. Funny how that works out. I’m not unhappy. Just would be funnier to do this with someone instead of solo.

Damn young kids

Before I write anything else in this post, I have to vent about one thing. I have an employee on my team that, when asked, “why did you recommend this job immediately to your school board” said “the pay. It’s — higher than most other places around.” I mean I appreciate the honesty, but if money is his main motivation instead of the job and the company…. idk. It just really really rubs me wrong. I get tired of arguing with him all the time about what he thinks is the right way and the only “right way”. His “right way” has been wrong so many times. Like he didn’t even know our major client uses BGP for every single connection. I’m not going to pretend I know what that is, but his job is networking. Yet he had NO idea. None. Personally, if this were my company, I would look for a new network dude, train him up and tell this guy to head out. That’s not the kind of attitude I would have at my company.

Anyways. Off that soap box. There are a handful of things that have been on my mind lately. My boyfriend is a good guy. I just learned he swears around kids though. Idk why, but that kinda bothered me. I thought he would be better from the things he has said. He’s a decent looking guy, but he knows how good he looks. That part is totally fine. The part that isn’t is the part where we sit down at a table and I look at him and he looks at everything but me. He lives on his phone. I guess I am just noticing already that there are indicators that he doesn’t have as much interest as I wish he did. There’ve been a few nights where he’s like totally into me. The sex has definitely been a good indicator that he likes me a decent amount. I just have my concerns is all. Maybe he shows his love and affection differently than others do. I’m not sure? I want to keep going with it because too many times in the past, I’ve ridden on gut instinct and keeping people at a distance that I can’t really get to know them. I want to see if riding it out makes a difference or not.

As for work? Well. I hate it. I mean not completely. My boss kind of told me a “go big or go home” line. Everyone loves an ultimatum right? Last year, I think that suggestive talking would have worked for me but this year as soon as it came out of his lips I realized I may need to be done with this job soon. It’s not like there are good benefits anyways. The pay is fine, but the job is not. Not anymore anyways. I don’t have the freedom I need to do what he wants. I’m being asked to let the tigers out of the cage, but there’s a chain that only allows it to open 1 inch without taking off the lock. And these are full grown tigers. They are gnawing desperately at my fingers to get the fuck out but all I can do is try to pry the  1 inch steel bars open with a crowbar. Not getting far very fast. I don’t feel I should stay here in the long term. It’s been what? A year and almost a half now? Usually I stay at a job for 3 years. It’s a definite improvement from my last job and an even bigger improvement from the other jobs I’ve had. But it’s still…… grunty. I’m still a customer service slave at the end of the day. And I don’t mind customers, so that’s okay.

How about home? Home is ok. I have an old roommate that moved back in. I have a guy that might be leaving which is fine. I’ve had problems with him smoking weed all the time in the past. Everything is still the same otherwise. Same car, still have too much shit. It’s cooling down though so I can start cleaning up my garage and stuff. I’m still going to the gym, but I have missed a couple of days. Probably around 3 or 4 out of 6 days. Still good. I went Tuesday and will be going tonight. I certainly am putting in the effort to keep it up. My focus now is more of stamina I think. Prior it was being able to do something….. ANYTHING other than watch Netflix and sit on my butt. 🙂 I’m happy with where I’m at after what I’ve done, but I definitely need to work on re-training myself and re-focusing to make sure I don’t get in a lull. Whatever happened to the organized version of myself? Sad day. 😦

 

Stressed and fucking fat!

So work has been busy beyond what I ever imagined myself getting into. Problem is, I am the type of person that wants to see tasks through to the point I hit major burnout like I think I have done and I don’t want to do anything except the personal stuff I used to do back in the day. Pretty sure I will not be the lead much longer on this team. I’m just not doing what I need to do and I don’t have a desire to. The ass hat next to me makes the same as I do without the extra title AND he’s getting moved back to the lazy ass do-nothing position of NOC. Frankly I’m kinda pissed about it. So if I can step back a couple of paces and get my ass back into doing much less, I think I will be ok.

As for personal life — I started taking a daily multivitamin hoping it would offset the amount of shit I eat in my day at least a little. I’ve been on it about a week now and I see no major changes or even subtle. I don’t feel better, see better, sleep better…. so I don’t think it’s good for much. I also got on Truvada and have two bottles of it. I haven’t actually started it yet since I’m not on a sex spree, but it’s nice to stock pile for a bit for when I actually have to pay more than $0 for it. My fat hangs out of my shirt now a bit. I’m kinda upset that happened at all. I have been lifting weights more frequently though. Not noticing huge changes in my arm, but subtle which I’m ok with. Travis is gone thank god. No boys on the radar right now either. I get occasionally Tindr hookup messages but haven’t acted on any of them.

School and certs – I’ve made no progress on them whatsoever. I haven’t had time and the time I do have I spend at home trying to pick the pieces called my life up off the ground. I need to bring this back into reality in one way or another though.

I could puke…

And it’s not because of the salty ramen and peas I just ate.

I decided to look up average number of sexual partners for men throughout their life. Turns out the number is approximately 7-10 on average through their lifetime. Then I looked at women… usually even less. Okay, that’s fantastic. So how about the real information that is pertinent to me? Gay males. That statistic showed 501-1000 is the average. Dude I’m kind of heart broken. I gave up my ‘standards’ that I would have a monogamous relationship already but this is annoying. I think I may be up to 100 possibly. Maybe. I think for sure above 50. But 1000?!?!?! What is the fucking point?! How about 1000 fucks with someone I love? Yeah, that sounds ideal. Now let me step back out of my fairytale for a moment. I’m just disappointed. I like living a normal life where I do stuff with my day like today a bike ride and walk in the park. I don’t like the idea that ‘to be normal’ I should have my phone out 24/7 looking for hookups. God dude…. I don’t want to have a nice body because the chances are better that I might use it!!!! I really wish today that I could go straight. I used to and then I was okay with life, but after these stats and my already hopeless feelings about finding love, I just don’t see any benefit to being gay! It’s nice that I make a decent amount of money and have a good savings but…. I want to go out and do things once in a while. Just once in a while. But I don’t want to do things solo. Some things can be fun that way, but not everything.

I’m just sincerely disappointed. And the worst part about all of this is I lie to like every guy that asks me how many guys I fucked because 1. I don’t know and 2. I don’t want to look like a slut. No one else does either which is why I’m willing to bet they lie about how many they have slept with.

Just brings back the dreary feeling of…. “am I going to find someone true”? Sigh.

My evening of numbness

So yesterday I was supposed to get fucked by this dude. He came over…. stroked himself. Got hard but said he couldn’t get hard so he was going to leave. And then he left saying “I promise another time”. LoL. Of course he hasn’t said a thing on Grindr since. Made me feel like the ugliest asshole on earth and I told that to his face and he said he just wasn’t hard and that he promised. Meh. It’s okay. Since then I’ve been feeling numb. Another guy says he would marry me and that I”m oh so cute… with “NOW” on his profile. We chat and it turns into a selfish “me me, this is why I’m broken and I’ll never date because of x, x, x”. All of a sudden I felt like I was still with my ex. I’m like dude… I need someone to try to fix me like I did for my ex… for ONCE!. <block>. Stupid douchebag. And then another guy contacts me telling me he told his friend about a room i had for rent, showed the photo and his friend said I’m crazy. I mean that’s always good to hear. The guy I dated talked a lot of shit on me. He’s a total asshole. I’m just numb to this stuff. Like I have 0 emotion. I’m annoyed and irritated yes, but the actual hurt upset, hopeless emotions that I would normally feel are not there. It’s like I just mentally checked out and I’ve got no clue how to come back. I want….. one man. Who…. goes on a date with me and at the end of the date says “what are you doing xx day?”. I say.. nothing I’m free and he tells me he’d love to go out again. And again. And again. And again. And it just repeats over and over and over until I find the happiness I”ve been looking for.

And when I get that way where I’m like “ahhh… push him away, he’s going to hurt me because he does x, x, x!!!”, he pulls me closer and talks me through it all and puts on his thick skin. Then maybe…. just maybe h’ell find out I’m not so bad and he’ll see some great qualities in me.

I think this is that fairytell most people live. Kinda upsets me a little bit. Maybe some day I’ll find what it is that I’m looking for. I’ll find some sort of happiness and love. I can tell you that when I feel this numb and hopeless that it’s not going to be any time soon at all that I find that. The length of time I’ve been single, the way things were with my ex, the way things are now with dating, with me. There’s something CLEARLY wrong with me and I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t want to live but I’m not suicidal. I just…. I don’t like this gray emotionless feeling. Just so dead like a flower I’ve had for 5 months. No movement, no warmth, little color. Life isn’t interesting even when I’m doing things I like or at least thought I would like. It’s dull. It’s overrated. Sex has lost meaning a lot too. I’m very numb with that. Ppl fuck me and I”m like. Meh. Next? My only goal is to keep a hold on those that know how to use it. I’m telling you these feelings just suck. I feel horrible. Like I don’t matter. Yet there’s still a glimpse of hope that I have sitting there waiting for something to change and be better in my life. I have a feeling this is getting bad to the point that even if someone likes me, I’m not going to be receptive due to the damage. And they are going to be one fucked up fool to keep after me to try and make something work with me when I’m like that. It will be some form of true dedication.

Living with a pregnant girl

I thought living with my sister would be a really good eye-opening and refreshing experience. I thought our relationship would build and maybe we’d have that great gay brother/ lonely sister that needs help relationship. But we don’t. In fact, the relationship sucks now more than ever and I have to live with her. I helped her move, I was going to let her live here “free” in the sense that she would pay back a lowered rate on rent for 3 months after she was off maternity leave. We figured out her spending and what is a good amount for her to spend and what she should expect financially. So what does she do?

She goes on a freaking 2 hour drive to another city and buys a soda and her car overheats so she has to buy more coolant too. Then she calls me and wants me to somehow magically fix it. No. I’m not her fixit bitch. i didn’t tell her to go on that long ass drive to another city just to go swimming and check out a canyon. Are you kidding me? Then last night she gets home and asks if I want to go on a walk and I say of course, I’d love to and she says “I’m going to listen to my music” so I say…. uhm…. no nevermind. I’m good sorry.

Then today, I find her food is all separate from mine all of a sudden when initial discussion was that we would eat out everything we had and work on a more healthy meal plan. Instead she decides to say that I’m eating it all because well…. i’m sick of looking at her mounds of food that are taking up a ton of my personal space!!!! No she doesn’t have a room, she’s sleeping in the front room for right now until I get her room done.

So I contacted my dad and told him to fix her or she can expect to be moving out or paying rent since she keeps finding this money she said she doesn’t have. I feel like a total asshole for going that far but honestly, I have my own things to deal with and worry about that I don’t need her shit in my days!!!!! I’m trying to find a relationship. Still no luck on that btw, but I don’t really expect it to at this point. Everyone here is so stuck in their way of “there’s someone else that will go out with me”. It’s like…. dude….. I want long term. I’m so sick of not being enough for these assholes!!! I look pretty cute. Maybe i’m a bit insecure in the beginning but it mellows out. I just need to know there is actually true interest in me early on so I don’t “waste my time”. Maybe that’s a personal flaw I should work on fixing in time. idk.

I’m stressed about everything. So much so that I’ve managed to put life on hold while I do “shawn” and not worry about anything else. I don’t want to worry about building my house anymore or fixing various parts of it when ppl don’t take care of it just…. ugh. Life. Stupid little thing that anyone gets to enjoy is entitled to. I’m ready for that change of pace now. Anyone need a bf? One that needs motivation and might fall madly in love with you if you are a DIYer and actually do stuff to help me because you are so crazy about me? LoL. Just a dream. Just a dream.

Vanishing men

If a guy “disappears” from your life one day when you thought things were going okay, it should probably be a reality check that you misunderstood the vibes. This means you shouldn’t contact him later say…. 1 or even 2 years later for a few reasons.

1. Your going to bitch him out and you know it. There is going to be some leftover pain and unanswered questions that you are going to seek answers to. There is a VERY good chance you will push him away by doing this. If he wanted to be grilled and really wanted you, he would have contacted you in the first place. Not the other way around.

2. He disappeared. If he wanted you or was interested, he would talk to you on his own and ask how you are doing! But he didn’t/ doesn’t. So obviously, he doesn’t care.

And stop waiting for the goddamn texts. They aren’t coming. Especially after you blocked him. 🙂

Last time

Last time, I found you. This time, I need you. Every time I think I have come close to finding you, you disappear. Sometimes I see u with someone else. Other times I see u on the dating sites looking still for that relationship. “The one”. Obviously I wasn’t him. 😦

So this is about all guys, not just one. The first was my ex. I started it and it lasted. Since then, I’ve been hoping someone will come along and occasionally, I still start talking to guys, but it never ends up going anywhere. Sometimes I think things are going well with one and they just drop off the earth as though they never knew me. Maybe I’m not good enough? I always think this because I always find myself in the same position I started — alone.

I see so many great things about me and I see so many things I’m trying to improve to be a better person. But nobody sees these things. 😦 They see my walls and hightail it away from me as far away as possible.

I need someone pretty fucking special. 😥

Push Them Away!

So I have moods. Much like the one I have today. It’s where I feel absolutely hopeless about everything and just cannot imagine anyone wanting to be with me likely due to all the wonderful past things that have happened in my life. I’m sure it all started with my very very loving parents. One of which chose her husband over me and the other drops into my life when he needs something — like money.  On a more positive note, my dad is always around when I give him money. My grandma is probably the only person that does anything she can to promote my growth. She gives me money and encouragement and then vents to me about my grandpa who is losing is memory. I love being there for her 100%. In fact, it bothers me when she doesn’t tell me stuff like that because I don’t want her to bottle it up. My sister? She fell into my dad’s footsteps. She comes around when she needs something. Me? I just kinda suffer right through it all and hope I can make it. I mostly drown out my emotions. This is how….

I work a full time job Monday-Friday 8-5. I then have school (16 credit hours). I work another part time job on Sundays. I used to do Sat & Sun but I started hating the job and got more credit hours for school. That wasn’t enough to do though so I bought a house!! Well now I have a house. Plenty of stress and I’m finding myself bored again so I’m kind of going on an attack spree with guys on various sites bitching them out for even the smallest of things. A few minutes ago, I time stamped a guy and he had read my message but didn’t reply. No big deal. Then he logged in again 19 minutes ago and still hadn’t replied. Yet… last night I was the ONLY guy he was talking to according to him. Do you see any problems with this situation people? Anything? True. I don’t have to bitch him out for it, but true… I’m looking for a committed relationship. And he never set a date with me yet another guy had already. So yes… I guess this means I have high standards when it comes to guys showing their interest. I guess I also have low standards for guys I’m not that interested in which is why so many fade and so many……. I end up going on dates with. But the ones I WANT. The ones I cannot keep because I go crazy by time stamping them and stuff? Those are the ones that break me I think.

I have a boyfriend. LoL. Probably not what you were expecting to hear after the last paragraph huh?! lol. Well I do. He’s a super nice guy but I’m kind of turned off by the fact he is somewhat bi. And he doesn’t message me very much. Not that I’m needy but… I’m a little bit needy sometimes. I just (in case you couldn’t read into that from paragraph 1) would like to experience the kind of relationship where someone actually wants to hold onto and keep me and I want to know that they think about me. 🙂 This is a fantasy world and y’all probably think I should go see a psychiatrist which is possibly true. This is why I stay busy though…. to keep my mind off of what I hope for.

I move forward and think…. maybe one day…. ONE day of the 1 or million days I have left, there will be a guy that will ask me out in person because he likes me as is. No internet dating. None of that stuff. And…. I’ll feel wanted for a change. 🙂 Like… truly wanted.